I can't believe they let me drive

Most of you are lucky you don't live in my town, only so you don't have to worry about me driving around town, or mixing chemicals, or shopping near you.

I was at Kroger this evening to get things for dinner ... I wanted to get Velveeta. Yes, I know, half of you are shaking in your healthy boots or vomiting in your healthy toilets at the mention of Velveeta. So, just to be obnoxious, I'll say it a few more times. Velveeta Velveeta Velveeta.

I will admit I never buy Velveeta, or other large blocks of "cheese" that don't somehow require refrigeration. (Do they? Maybe I should double check before leaving mine sitting on the counter for months) ... and my story will prove that Velveeta is not a regular staple in the Lunar-T'Mahk home.

Hm, I don't like the sound of that. Sounds like I didn't take the Grand Lunar's name when we married. But I did. I'm totally all for that family-identification taking hubby's name thing. In case you were wondering. But I digress. (Really? Me?)

So here I was in Kroger with a very short grocery list that I never once looked at and probably did NOT buy what was on. I had, you see, a written list and a mental list. And I bought what was on the mental list. (As far as I know. Ha ha. There's one advantage to forgetting everything in your brain - you don't really know if you DID forget!) And I think I bought one thing on the written list. I'm pretty sure. That's waffles. My kids eat a lot of frozen waffles. Well, they toast them first. I know, I know, I'm just raking in the "healthy ideas" points today, aren't I? So waffles are always on our list and I always (well, almost) buy them. I don't know what else was on the written list because, like I said, I didn't look at it. Why not? I don't know. I was tired. I got it in my head that it wasn't a "real" shopping trip, and that I'd be making a "real" one sometime soon, and that it wasn't worth the effort to make a "real" list or do any planning. So I TOOK the short written list that we keep, but didn't look at it.

And I went fairly promptly to the Dairy section. To get the Velveeta. Because it does have the word "cheese" -- or maybe "cheeze" or perhaps even "cheaze food" on the label. They at least want you to think it's cheese. So I went to the Dairy Section. Wouldn't you? And I looked around. Creamer, sour cream, shredded cheeses, yogurts of all shapes and sizes, butter, eggs, refrigerated cookies and rolls ... hm. No Velveeta.

Then it occured to me that the giant logs are not usually refrigerated. I recalled them being somewhere NEAR the dairy area at Meijer, but I was not at Meijer and Kroger's grocery arrangement often befuddles me. Where might Velveeta live?

I wandered from dairy to frozen breakfast foods. Picked up the waffles. Although, at Kroger, I could not find the specific type I wanted. I got some other kind. That'll do, Pig. And then thought "huh. soup?" (apparently I think in italics) and looked in the soup section. No Velveeta. Then in the salsa/mexican section, because I know you're supposed to melt Velveeta with salsa for the SuperBowl, I saw it on a coupon once. I found jars of "queso" and "cheesy salsa" and stuff, but no boxed logs of Velveeta.

Um ... cracker section? nope.

Organic/international/non-dairy food section? That's a stretch! But no, alas.

Lunch meat section? Nope.

Mac and cheese aisle? Nope.

So I went back, for the sixty-third time, to the Mexican Aisle and got some jars of Cheesy Salsa in a Jar stuff. Medium and Mild. (Which, I remembered at dinner, I don't like. They taste like dried milk to me. I don't like things that taste like dried milk. That includes cocoa mix and powdered creamer. And apparently Cheese In A Jar. And apparently I already knew that, because the Grand Lunar said, when I complained, "You didn't remember that you didn't like that?" - because HE remembered. He's so sweet. But I guess he forgot to tell me that I didn't remember that I didn't like Cheese in A Jar, because he let me eat it.)

SOOOOoooooo then I wandered back to the other end of the store, once again dodging all the same people who were irritated with my mindless wandering the FIRST and SECOND times through. I stopped my cart askew in the aisle nearish the dairy, I guess to get the fish-eye long distance all encompassing view. And lo and behold, there, on the endcap of one of those parked-in-the-middle-containing-all-the-same-stuff-as-the-shelves refrigeration units that I never really understand, were stacks and stacks of Velveeta logs. Spicy and Regular. Low(er) fat and High fat. And even Krogeeta, or something, too, but ... well, let's just say off-brand processed Cheaze Food is one step too scary for me. I know, I know, but everyone's gotta draw the line somewhere. So I'm sticking with the Brand Name processed Cheaze Food.

Actually, I'll insert here the fact that Velveeta thinks it really is processed Cheese. I shouldn't talk behind it's back like this. But between you and me and the keyboard? Cheaze Food. How could it not be?

But anyway. So there it was, plain as day, about 3 feet from where I'd originally stood, surveyed the scene, and deemed it devoid of Velveeta. And only about 20 minutes and 6 miles of Kroger Wandering later.

Which reminds me, my dad always makes fun of the old men at Meijer. Who apparently never shop, and so, when their wives send them, they wander slowly down the aisle. Looking at their list. Then slowly up at the shelf. Then down at the list. Then up at the shelf. Then down at their list ... I have seen my dad act out that scene many times. Only today, I was that old man. Only not a man. And without the list.

Which is why I can't believe they let me drive.

Really. People should have to pass some basic grocery shopping test, like "can you spot the obvious velveeta in this scene?" and "can you navigate down the middle of this aisle without offending any shoppers?" and "can you align your cart next to the product and not block the whole aisle?" before they let you drive a car.

Much less a 15-passenger van.