December 12, 2006
Shaken, not stirred ...
There was a place I used to 'live' on the internet ~ a warm cozy safe haven as it were.
I haven't been 'living' there recently because ... welll ... I knew I should be living here in the real world. Sometimes it's hard to do both at once, you know?
Of course, my free time online has filled back up with other things, like blogging.
One characteristic I've carried through is trying to be honest. The real me.
Sometimes that comes across as negative. Sometimes as complaining.
As an extrovert, I do most of my thinking "out loud" -- either verbally or on paper or here on the internet.
One thing I've always appreciated is other people's honesty, openness, transparency. They feel like "real people". I've been to some blogs where every post is wound up in something nicey and devotiony. Which is fine, except sometimes it just feels fakey to me. The put on a happy, godly blog face. Maybe I'm just too cynical.
ANYway. A few things have happened. One is realizing that my think-out-loud trying to work through issues comes across as complaining. I really don't want to be known as a complainer. But I guess I have been very free with my struggles with things, often before I've really reached any conclusion, just trying to talk out to get to a conclusion. Sometimes my conclusion is that I need to choose contentment and leave the rest with the Lord. But of course, the complaining damage mid-process has already been spewed out there.
And then there was some incident at my former safe haven ... I wasn't there, I didn't hear it, but it made me feel like all my openness and honesty could come back and bite me in the b*tt.
You could go through my old thoughts, here, there, wherever I've been honest, pile up choice quotes, and I would sound really bad. I don't think I am really bad, but I think my honesty does come down pretty hard sometimes, and I am much more restrained posting about the good times.
Anyway, I feel bad. I feel like I need to be less me with you. Because I don't even know who all "you" are. I want to trust everyone, but that's not wise these days. Especially when you find out that even your safe places aren't so safe.
I'm sure I'm overreacting. I was having a bad sad day before this. But I don't know. I also want to be wise, and maybe posting every time I feel like I'm a bad mom is in the "unwise" category. You think?
What does this mean for the blog? I don't know yet.
Stay tuned to find out.
YIKES! I've lost the rest of your December blog somehow...the only thing that came through was today's post. Does the "less honest" thing mean that everything else you've posted this month gets erased?! Say it isn't so....
Betsy
Posted by: Betsy at December 12, 2006 12:45 PMKim, I'm sorry you've had people burn you in the past. I certainly know what that's like. I don't want you to feel like you have to hold back your thoughts and feelings. It's YOUR blog!! You can complain and spit nails everyday and who cares if anyone says anything about it? You have a right to express your feelings and they have a right to move on and not read it.
I've always felt privileged to be able to peek in the window of your world. I feel a little better just knowing that there is another mom out there that goes through some of the same things I do and often has words of encouragement for me (and I hope vice versa).
Please don't let a few spoil it for those of us who truly care!
No. I don't think you're cynical. Some people put on a blog face. And that's okay. That's them. It's a comfort zone. Maybe they've found their niche or maybe they have this need be thought of a certain way and the blog world is an outlet for that.
Real women in real life have ups and downs. I know that! If you've run into people who are less than kind, leave that venue. But don't change your blog. At least, I'd hate to see you turn syrupy and run-of-the-mill.
If you let it all hang out, there are going to be times where people can hurt your feelings if you let them. Well you know what I say to myself? TO WANDA! Just like in Fried Green Tomatoes. Did you watch that movie? There is some risk to going out on a limb but you just have to weigh in on what you're willing to accept. We need interesting and real people, Kim. You're one.
So I take it you've given some small minds something to talk about. Let them talk. I for one, love your blog. You have such a different life and I like to peek inside. Hope you're not deciding to turn into the ol' - this is what my darling, funny, brainiac kids and I did today - sort of deal. They are so uninspiring and dull after about two reads.
Posted by: Liliana at December 12, 2006 1:35 PMAs an uninspired braniac (;)), I have to agree with all of the above. I don't put my full self foward on my blog, and even I get tired of reading it! Maybe that's why I don't blog often...but you...you are interesting. You let yourself hang out and I can say, hey! She is like me...I'm not the only one in the world who...fill in the blank. Maybe because I know you IRL, I see that you are a loving hard-working mom who struggles with the same things many of us do. I, for one, appreciate your honesty in those struggles, because there are many nuggets of wisdom to be found in your ramblings.
I'll be praying for you, in whatever decision you make re your blog.
Posted by: Barbie at December 12, 2006 3:55 PMGoing through the same type of assessment here. The problem isn't my right to complain if I choose as much as it is to take out op-ed space in the newspaper announcing to the world that I am a lousy ___ (insert word here: homemaker, teacher, mother, wife, etc.) Far easier to decry the world's evils than my own, and less damning should someone seeking ammunition against me just happen upon it.
And while we are warned to be honest with all, we are also warned about casting pearls before swine and feeding the roaring lion that skulks about.
I don't know. But it is food for thought.
Okra.
Not chocolate.
Posted by: Peggy at December 12, 2006 7:16 PMKim, I'm just starting to get to read your blog. As an older mom (my girls are both grown and gone), I know the value of having someplace or someone to vent to when the steam is running high. If your blog is your venting place, don't worry about what others may say or think. The fact is, if they are so worried about what you are saying, then they need to take a really close look at their own lives and frustrations.
Keep on being real. I want to know Kim, not some nice bloggy persona! **big grin**
PS I'm Liz's (formerly Tess) Mom.
Posted by: Theresa at December 13, 2006 8:12 AM*sigh*
I'm behind on blogging, so I'm just reading this now. I didn't realize that the troubles in the "safe place" had somehow spilled out of it. :-(
Posted by: Rosanne at December 13, 2006 9:59 AMHmmm I um tried to post last night after reading this and my computer had a serious coughing fit when I tried.... LOL I was going to say... maybe you should not read my blog from yesterday, but you already did.
I miss you *where you used to live*. You have seen me there in messy hair, unmatched socks, and my dress on inside out... I like to blog... but I do not *live at my blog*.
So when read... remember my blog is my *go to town look*, not my *where I live look*.
{{hugs}} and sorry things spilled out......
Posted by: LynninTX at December 18, 2006 9:47 PM
