You want an entry? I'll give you an entry!

I'm not promising a good entry, though.

I've already forgotten what it was I thought I was going to tell you. LOL.

Although the kids are over the bug, the tiredness seems to be lingering. The Grand Lunar seems to have a minor non-barfing case of the bug. Me? Out of the question. I'm busy, busy, dreadfully busy. Who would post on my blog if I got sick, for example?

Anyway.

Do you ever feel as if, Spiritually, you are unfocused? And that, while you're unfocused and unable to see well, you have a great sense that something is happening, or should be happening? And that you'd be a part of it, that you're supposed to be a part of it, if you could just *focus* ...

I've felt that way a lot, lately. But that feeling is the *best* my 'vision' seems to get, the rest of the time I sink back into an even less focused blur.

It kind of reminds me of my labor & delivery with Gark. This is back before I knew about natural childbirth and had only been taught the medical choices. I'd had an unpleasant experience with drug A with Iliacat's birth, and so I thought I'd try drug B to "take the edge off the pain" with Gark. Instead I just felt *drugged*. I was unable to focus and pay attention. I felt like I was down underwater and the 'real world' was up above and I couldn't really see it or get there. I was watching it from a distorted distance, and being away from it wasn't very pleasant. When I would then have a contraction, the contraction would pull me up into the real world where I couldn't get *ahead* of it to even try to relax, like being dragged up to the surface and sputtering, trying to catch your breath and bearings, but the contraction would end and I would sink down out of focus and touch again. It was unsettling.

Anyway, that's sort of how I've felt spiritually. I'm swamped down below - not swamped in the "oh, I'm so busy" sense but in the waterlogged and sunk to the bottom sense. Sometimes I can see a glimmer of sunlight up above, sometimes sermons and discussions pull me towards the surface. Although I don't break through, I come a little closer, can see there's important things going on up there, and I want to get there, I want to get up out of the water, back to the 'real world' only the glimmer of light fades and I find myself sinking back.

I know all the 'rules' of swimming, in this sense. Read your Bible, pray, etc., cry out to God if you're drowning.

Sometimes I figure I must be drowning since I seem unable to keep 'swimming', reading, praying, etc ... and yet I'm not dying, it's not like I'm losing my faith, not like I don't believe ... but I'm just not getting to that surface. I'm not getting to whatever is out there, nagging at me, the 'real world' where things are important and things are in focus. Where there is light and clarity and purpose of moments ... it's where I want to be, but I can't seem to get there, even with crying out as best as I am able.

Hm.

I have no tidy way to end this. So I'll just abruptly stop.