April 4, 2007
Oh, you force my hand ... or "Would you like some psychobabble with that?"
Too many of you suggested the "cleanie friend" option for me to continue to ignore it.
Yes, yes, I was trying hard to ignore it.
Oddly enough, most (but not all!) of my IRL friends are Cleanies. Born Organized (or at least picked it up effectively somewhere along the line). Not Messies.
So it's not like I don't have that card to play. I mean *I* don't have a cleanie card, in fact I think I'm on the Cleanie "banned" list as a lifetime offender. But I do have Cleanie Friends that I could call in. As evidenced by Karen's kind offer.
But ... here's where the whole thing gets squirmy. Well, I get squirmy.
See, I know that Karen would be a wonderful help. When we were moving and I really needed my main areas looking showable, Karen was a wonder. She kept me moving, and she had the perfect balance of not wandering off with *each* object to find a home, but also not piling up a big heap of "find a home later" which would, in the end, defeat me. She cheerfully kept us working when I was sure, on the inside, that we needed a break. And, since then, many times I have entertained the notion of calling again on her expertise.
Except ...
the awful truth is ...
I don't know if I really want to.
Maybe it's because I know she'd be effective, and at some gut level I don't want to have that much closure?
Maybe it's because I know she's a hard worker, and it tires me out to think of working so hard?
Maybe it's because I'm embarrassed of the horrible junk and mess I'm dealing with, and would rather not share the depths of my messiness with anyone?
Possibly a combination of the three.
Truth be told, I'm not good at accepting help with housework and things. I'm not even good at having people nearby when I'm doing housework or cooking. I'm afraid people will be watching me in shock and dismay, thinking, "no wonder she never gets anything done, her method is all wrong ..." ... or something like that. Maybe, worse than that, they'd be thinking "Ew, I'll never eat here again." or something. I don't know.
When I was in college I lived one year in a dorm that had no included food plan, but instead had kitchenettes on each floor. You kept your food and dishes in your room and tromped down the hall to fix it, then back to your room to eat it. I hated the public-cooking aspect of it, and tried hard to cook "real" meals (all of twice, I think?) at odd hours when no one else was around, or live on ramen noodles and microwave popcorn the rest of the time. Once I was cooking something and some other resident wandered down and asked me questions about what I was cooking.
In retrospect it was probably some recipe-follower who was mesmerized by my off-the-cuff approach to cooking, flinging in this and that without measuring or timing anything. But it kind of freaked me out, having someone watch and question me. I'm actually a pretty good cook, I think, but I like to do it in secret. I don't know.
So aaaaanyway, I think that's part of it. Not that I don't WANT to learn the "right" and efficient ways to declutter and clean. I do. I would love to be able to clean things up speedily so they don't take all day. I'd like to be able to declutter without it being a gut wrenching, ineffective ordeal.
But ...
that would take someone coming in to my embarrassingly ineffective little world and seeing me in inaction.
I'm not sure my pride can take that.
Maybe that's all that it comes down to? I'm too proud (of what?) to accept the help I admit I need? Because I'll be embarrassed? And because I know I'll whine and complain - at least on the inside - at having to *press on* in the efforts. I won't be able to bail out if someone's keeping me on task. I won't be able to run away.
And if my cleanie friends really knew that, despite the positive outcomes, I spent every moment in my head whining and complaining and groaning and moaning and wishing I could run away, wouldn't they get irked and wonder how I came to be such a baby about it?
I'm such a doofus.
Posted by Kim at April 4, 2007 9:26 AMAm I a cleanie friend? If I am, then take this to heart...cleanie's are overwhelmed ALL THE TIME.
Or maybe it's just me.
I can't stand a dirty house, but it's the imperfections I can't fix that seem to frustrate me the most. Noticing I really need a new light fixture or carpet right before a party does nothing for my peace of mind. In fact, it drives me crazy. Even in a totally clean house, I will still finds things that disturb me and I'm never happy....even in all that "clean".
Posted by: Christina at April 4, 2007 11:18 AMDear Kim,
From being your friend for ten plus years, I want you to know that though it seems that you still have the same problem with clutter that you have always had, you have made progress over the years.
So from the bird's eye view and with the perspective of the years, things are moving in the right direction. You do have less clutter and you are better about picking up and keeping the house picked up. Your kitchen counters are less cluttered. You can get ready for company on a shorter notice than you did 7-8 years ago.
So take encouragement from this.
And by the way, us cleanies whine and complain and groan, too. Just about other things.
Posted by: karen at April 4, 2007 11:39 AMAre you a perfectionist? That could be part of the problem. I know it it mine. I am a true cleanie at heart...but I am so drilled in the "if you can't do it right, don't do it all" mindset that I often get paralyzed and do nothing. I want to do it RIGHT and thoroughly. And if I don't have time to do it that way, then I don't even start because it will drive me crazy...and when do I EVER have time to do it RIGHT????
Oh, and I soooo feel your pain on the pride issue. I don't want anyone to actually see or know if my house is messy...which, with 9 people in it, it usually is. I try to get over it. I pretend I am over it. I laugh and say that my messy house is my ministry of encouragement to others -- they can go home and think their house isn't so bad after all! But deep down inside it bugs me to death. I can't stand the clutter and dust bunnies and chaos. I want everything neat and tidy and organized. Sometimes I play the "if our house were bigger" card. I mean 2000 square feet isn't a lot for 9 people...but really, who am I fooling? I just need to get rid of more stuff and do better at putting away the stuff we have!
And you know what is really, truly sad? I am down right good at organizing and cleaning other people's stuff! It is just mine that leaves me paralized at times. Talk about irony!!
No solutions, but lots of sympathy!
Posted by: BusyHSmom at April 4, 2007 12:55 PMBy the way, I forgot to say...your true friends who are cleanies will not be dismayed or disgusted. They will just want to help. So don't worry about it...let them HELP!!!
Posted by: BusyHSmom at April 4, 2007 12:57 PMROFL Michele, this is *exactly* the kind of thing I say!
"I laugh and say that my messy house is my ministry of encouragement to others -- they can go home and think their house isn't so bad after all!"
I say that about my "homeschooling style" too -- that I'm relaxed so that other people will feel good about all they get done. LOL!!!!
But yeah, I am a perfectionist, although I'm sure no one would know it to look -- I'm what Dr. Kevil Lehman calls a "defeated perfectionist" or something like that. I don't do a LOT of things because I hate not doing them right. Often I don't really even know HOW to do them right, but I know that when I try and it's not done well/right I feel like it wasn't even worth trying. Like mopping my floor. I can never get it as clean as *I* think a mopped floor should be.
I keep trying to live by the FlyLady's "even housework done poorly blesses your family" or whatever, but it's hard. Defeat comes so much more naturally to me. LOL!
Posted by: Kim at April 4, 2007 1:03 PMBest wishes on your decluttering. I have no advice. I'm trying to figure it all out myself.
Your messie friend.
Posted by: Karen W at April 4, 2007 2:21 PMi totally understand what you are saying. i don't even like for my husband to help because he won't do it the way i would do it. (or he might throw something out that i'm not ready to let go of...)
Posted by: melissa at April 4, 2007 4:52 PMYou are not a doofus! You are a sweetie. I wish I could ease the pressure you put on yourself. You do what you can and lots of people love you. God loves you. Being pregnant lets you off a lot of hooks, too, in my opinion! You're too busy to be a cleanie. (What's my excuse?? There must be one!)
Posted by: Eowyn at April 4, 2007 10:05 PMKim! Last night in bed I thought of a brilliant solution for you (and me)! We should ask another MESSIE to help us bring order to our chaos. This way the helper will be sensitive and not cold-hearted to our need for at least some of this stuff and will understand our foibles completely. But she'll also know that we really do want more order in our lives and she'll want to help us. It will work, I think, because I used to babysit for someone who was a Messie and whenever I was there I would clean her kitchen, wanting to help her and enjoying bringing order to her kitchen without being responsible for every little messy part of her house. If you go with this plan your Messie friend might even let you whine and complain because she feels your pain, too! Too bad I live so many, many miles away, I would come and clean but do it so sympathetically you'd want me as a live-in maid. : ) (OK, a live-in maid is really the most brilliant answer to both of our problems, but not so very realistic, alas.)
Posted by: Eowyn at April 5, 2007 7:44 AMKim:
I agree with Karen that you've come a long way. Even the fact that you're thinking and planning about this rummage sale this early, when it doesn't even take place until weeks from now, says that you don't leave everything until the last minute.
Having said that...I want to encourage you to allow yourself to be vulnerable. You mentioned pride. "Pride goeth before a fall." Is it possible that your enemy keeps you enslaved to a less-than-desirable lifestyle, because he doesn't want to see you set free? Your true friends, like Karen, are not judging you. We see way beyond the exteriors, to the beautiful person you are in Christ. And we don't want to see you in such turmoil over something that you really do want to overcome. So allow others to share your burden, and don't let pride keep you from that.
As far as the whole thing being so tiring...set a time limit. Purpose to work with Karen for, say, three hours. And then, you both stop. You're done for the day! And you will have things to take to the sale.
Hope this helps. You are loved! ~Betsy
Posted by: Betsy at April 5, 2007 11:15 AMFirst of all, I've watched you do stuff and you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I clean and organize better with other people around; I find it too lonely to do alone. And I long ago accepted that I'm a pig in some ways, and that if my friends are really to get to know me, I have to let them see that, too. The thing I hate most is going thru paperwork and catalogs. I'm a catalog junkie, and have a hard time throwing them away. Uck.
Posted by: Linda at April 5, 2007 10:34 PM
