April 17, 2007
On Not Knowing ...
It's been a hard day. A lot of crying, mostly when I was alone. Extra salty shower and all that.
The simple update is there's not much new information. I still have some light bleeding. It might even be lighter than yesterday. I'm not sure.
I've spent a lot of the day scheming in my head. How could I get an ultrasound without strings attached?
Why is the medical world set up so that you can't just get the tests you want, when you want them, and the analysis, but not the ongoing relationship unless you desire it? From my past experience, I know that doctors' office staff are pretty abrupt with people who come in at the wrong time, or with different thoughts than the average patient. You can't just waltz in and say you're planning something different but would like to purchase just one service. Maybe it's all the fears of malpractice, but many of the practices I called in the past wouldn't really even talk to me if I wasn't going to pretend to become a regular patient.
Anyway, I realize that I'm looking more to *medical knowledge* than to God for my peace, my assurance. I wrestle with feeling like I could handle either answer, as long as I had AN answer ... and I start scheming again, how can I get an answer.
But I come back to these facts:
1.) God could've given me an answer by now. We could've heard clear heart tones yesterday. Or I could have increased bleeding and passed the baby. My uterus could've been mushy and soft and all wrong for the dates. If He had the ability to give us an answer, but did not, why do I think I should seek an answer elsewhere?
2.) I asked my husband's guidance, and he gave it to me. I believe that is a God-ordained method of guidance. I didn't feel able to make a decision, and the Grand Lunar stepped in with his.
But not knowing, itself, continues to be hard. Not knowing whether I should start grieving, or rejoicing. I can rejoice that God is in control, that God is good, that God has a plan and will glorify Himself regardless of the outcome, indeed through the outcome, whichever directions things go. And truly, that is my prayer. Lord, you ARE good. All this is in Your hands, for Your glory.
But I can't currently rejoice or mourn the circumstances. I am stuck in limbo, waffling back and forth, somehow trying to do both at once.
Which makes for some tearful trips to the bathroom (one of the few places I'm alone during the day) ...
I guess if nothing else I can rejoice that I'm usually alone in the bathroom! I know not all mothers have that luxury.
Anyway, I'd love to chatter on about other things, but this waiting unknowing is weighing heavily on my mind.
I wonder sometimes when one knows to go and seek medical assistance ~ I do believe He uses it, I believe He often works through it. But I keep coming back to this situation and not really feeling he's telling me to go in. Sometimes I get upset, because I know most everyone else I know would go in. Why do I have to be the 'special' one with the crazy ideas? Why couldn't I just assume I should do it the way everyone else in America does it?
But ... I have truly loved our homebirths. And I have felt the snowballing of medical 'help' when one doesn't meet the doctor's schedule. I'd like to borrow the excuse that the situation is telling us to seek medical knowledge, but I don't really think this situation is. If it is, I pray that God really lays it on my heart, not a longing to have facts but an urgency that medical knowledge would be His way this time. And that more than that, He would lay it on the Grand Lunar's heart, and even my midwife's heart, whispering "Now is the time. This is the situation."
But unless He does that, I will just have to keep turning back to Him, trying to find peace and rest in the knowledge that He is good, He is in control, and that He has NOT called us that route.
If you would, please pray with me that He'll help me keep turning back to Him, even when it's hard.
I have said it before and I will say it again, I really truly love you my dear friend. Our family continues to pray for you and the GL in this situation.
Posted by: Becky at April 17, 2007 8:17 PMOh Kim, our prayers are with you. Our whole family is praying.
Psalm 145:18 The Lord is near to all who call on him,to all who call on him in truth.
Know that God is near to you and will give you the wisdom that you need in this situation. ((Hugs))
Valeri
Posted by: For a Season at April 17, 2007 8:46 PM
Still praying here, too. I did get medical intervention when faced with the same situation, but mainly because I had problem pregnancies anyway (high blood pressure every time, blood clotting disorders, premature births...this is why my husband has declared us done having children. Sigh.) The only time I came close to your situation was when I was bleeding, and went in for an ultrasound and found a heartbeat...but kept bleeding anyway. The not knowing what in the world was going on about drove me nuts. So...my thoughts and prayers are with you. I'll continue obsessively checking your blog for updates. {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Posted by: Leigh at April 17, 2007 8:49 PMKim,
Believe me I know how you are feeling. I can honestly say that going with the whole medical route didn't do anything to help me out. It gave me some false hope, and then I found out I had miscarried from the last ultrasound. So then I had to sit around and wait for everything to finish, and that was awful too. Not that I really think you're miscarrying. My uterus was soft, not firm.
So, I'm saying that all that medical intervention isn't always helpful, because they don't know anything but what they see on the screen at tht moment. At this stage, they couldn't do anything to help. I think your best bet is to lay down, read your Bible, and talk to your kids.
I love you and am praying for you.
Posted by: Barbie at April 17, 2007 9:26 PMKim,
We'll are praying for you too. Keep going back to your #1 and #2 comments listed on the blog. Go back to them every minute if you have to and keep reminding yourself of the truth of God and the wisdom of following your husband's lead.
Karen
Posted by: karen at April 17, 2007 9:49 PMKim, you are in my prayers. I am glad the verses that I posted on my blog about a very different subject are an encouragement to you. You can rejoice that we have a God Who cares so very deeply about what is going on in our lives.
Posted by: Karen W at April 17, 2007 11:17 PMoh kim, your thoughts are almost exactly what i was going through recently during my at home miscarriage. knowing my baby had died though was different, but not knowing when i would start bleeding, how much it would hurt, whether i would need medical assistance or even a d & c. all those fears tumbled around in my head. i was in constant prayer. it was the only thing that kept me semi normal.
i know and you know that God's plan is not to harm us. i keep praying for you and hoping that this is just a pregnancy similar to your other one and everything is ok.
Posted by: melissa at April 18, 2007 12:34 AMcasting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you...
you have such an amazing perspective, kim. just keep leaning on your husband as you wait for the Lord's timing. i am praying that you will be continually upheld by His grace and that you will get answers soon.
*hugs*
I am praying for you to have a peace that passes all understanding and, like you said, that He'll help you turn to Him, even when it's hard.
(((((Kim)))))
Posted by: Robin at April 18, 2007 12:52 AMI saw your link on Staci's site and I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through...I will be praying for you tonight.
Posted by: Amy at April 18, 2007 1:39 AMHoney, you have my prayers, too.
Posted by: Eowyn at April 18, 2007 7:29 AMjust had a random thought last night as I drifted off to sleep: I wonder if the local Crisis Pregnancy Center can help?
I say that because our local CPC is directed by a woman at our church, and when she found out I was having twins she encouraged me several times that if I ever felt overwhelmed or scared, before or after the babies were born, that she and the organization was there to help.... and every time I said "well I don't really feel like those services are there for me, Daniel and I are doing fine" she politely but firmly disagreed, saying they were there for any crisis (emotional, spiritual, financial, physical) in any pregnancy. She told me about the moms support groups, about the free maternity and baby clothes, about the prayer group, etc.
I'm guessing that any CPC regularly arranges for ultrasounds for women who need them, who do not (and may not plan to) have regular doctor visits. So they may know of some doctors who would be more willing to help you....? Anyways, the women at the CPC would be trained not to judge other women for making what they consider to be poor choices, so even if they considered a home birth or a midwife a "poor choice" they'd have to realize that it's a lot less of a poor choice than what the regularly deal with so they probably wouldn't be judgmental or angry with you, and I'm guessing they might want to help you and get you what you need, whether it's an ultrasound or a shoulder to cry on while you wait. Just a thought...
still praying :o)
Posted by: kelly at April 18, 2007 7:58 AMI like both Kelly and Karen's thoughts.
At this point I think resting, relying on God's guidance is hard cause we all want more information.
I also thought of CPC guessing they have best info on ultrasounds and Dr.s during difficult pregancys - besides you know that their efforts are to honor God too!
Moog
Know that I am praying for you and your family today. It is so yucky outside that it may be hard to keep your spirits up, but God is good...all the time.
I understand what you are saying about medical knowledge and doctors. When I was pregnant with Grayson, the doctors kept wanting us to have ultrasound after ultrasound because they would think they saw something abnormal. We finally had to say enough is enough. We trust God for whatever outcome. I think they were doing it to make sure they covered all the bases to protect themselves from lawsuits, but I think they also think that knowledge is power...the more you know, the better. Well, we have One who is All-knowing, and He's the best knowledge we can have!
Praying, Erin
Posted by: Mama Mia at April 18, 2007 10:20 AM"Yes" and "No" are easy. It's "Wait" that's the kicker. I believe God's "Wait" answers are part of the refining fire He uses on our works to prove our faith.
Posted by: Peggy at April 18, 2007 10:43 AMAmen, Peggy. You couldn't have said it better. We are in a "wait" mode now, too...for different reasons...and it's never easy. We want answers, and we want them now. We want God to teach us patience...and we want it RIGHT NOW!
Hang on.
Betsy
Posted by: Betsy at April 18, 2007 11:53 AMI don't like "wait" either. I'm living "wait" right now re: moving to the farmhouse, and I'm not dealing with it as well as I should.
Praying, Kim. Crying with you.
Besides knowing about Drs who might help, our CPC just added an ultrasound machine. Perhaps a CPC near you has one, too? You could talk with them about looking for a heartbeat maybe?
Posted by: April at April 18, 2007 2:19 PMI was reading your post and had the same thought as Kelly... CPC.
Praying regardless.
Much love,
Nicole
Hi Kim, I'm sorry to read your sad news. How hard the walk in this world can be. Hold on to where you are headed.
Posted by: emmaus at April 18, 2007 5:51 PMI'm praying for you Kim.
Posted by: Julie in MI at April 18, 2007 7:28 PM
