Who left that roller coaster there?

So I was walking along, minding my own business, and tripped and fell into a rollercoaster.

I wasn't looking to add any "ministry" outside of what we already do. I have been, however, praying that God would show me what He wants to do, whatever that might be. Asking Him to use me, however He wants to use me.

I got a call inviting me to consider joining a ministry. I've been asked about it before, but successfully ignored/forgot about it, or didn't feel at all called to it in the past. I don't know what was different this time.

So I decided to pray about it.

at one point I was sitting somewhere unrelated, thinking unrelated things, and the thought wafted through my head "I will need the training that ministry provides ..."

Which was odd. Not like me. I didn't want to discount it, nor did I want to make too much of it. My brain is full of odd thoughts, although usually not like that. Was it the Holy Spirit? I didn't know.

I kept praying about it.

Two different days at different times I prayed the Lord would really show me, yes or no, and someone from the ministry called, or stopped me, and asked me if I was still considering it. On the same day that I had prayed about it.

but is that a sign? I tend to overanalyze things, and didn't want to make too much of a little thing. Nor did I want to be that guy in the old joke, waiting on the roof for God to save him. I'm sure you know the story.

So ... I gave it some more prayer, more time. Plenty of time to forget about it, really, which is my usual style. But I didn't forget. It kept bothering me that I didn't know. Kept praying.

Asked my husband, who, to my surprise, suggested I go ahead and fill out the application and see what happens. I did and they actually came over to pick it up when I wasn't able to get it in right away. And signed me up for an interview.

I went expecting the interview to confirm that it was where He wanted me ...

The interview was interesting and intense and there was much discussion of how I really wasn't sure ~ IF God was calling me to this, I wanted to respond with clear obedience. IF He was saying, "Yes, this is for you" I was ready and willing to jump in, fully committed. But only IF. And that IF swirled about. I had no CLEAR yes. No blinking green light. No lightning bolt. A lot of little things that maybe could add up to a muddled yes, especially if confirmed in retrospect. But I also had no flashing red NO. God had ample time and many ways to give me a clear NO, yet hadn't. Instead, this seemed to keep popping up when it could've faded away. And yet. I wasn't sure.

One of the ministry leader interviewers seemed to believe that God's leading is always clear when we seek Him on it, and that joy and peace in the decision-making is always there. I have not found that to be the case for me. I believe joy and peace DO come, but sometimes not right away. For me, sometimes, following God has been a gut-wrenching stepping out in faith, praying I've heard Him right, praying He'll stop me if I'm wrong.

Is it just me that has felt that way more than not?

In the end, I left the meeting still confused, drained, for awhile leaning towards yes, then leaning towards no, still praying for clear decision from the Lord. Not my will, but Yours, O Lord. I had a headache at the end, a migraine as I drove home. Squinting to see the lines on the wet road made me nauseated. I came home, tried to tell The Grand Lunar about the meeting, started to cry, and went to throw up. Then I went to bed. At this point I was feeling mostly like the ministry was not for me at this time.

i had weird dreams. I don't think they were prophetic dreams. But I dreamed the weird dreams were telling me no. I know that sounds strange. I think it was more a reflection of my mind than God Speaking Through Weird Dreams. They weren't the right sort of weird, you know? But anyway, when I woke this morning, I no longer felt the ministry was for me at this time. I think it's a wonderful ministry. I would love to receive the training someday and see where God might work through me, through it. I would love to have God glorified to others through it.

But apparently it wasn't for me at this time. In fact, tonight, I'm pretty certain of that. And I'm okay with that. I'm glad to know.

I'm just not quite sure why I had to ride such a roller coaster, just to end up at what appears to be nearly the same point I started.

Why would God leave a roller coaster there, right in the middle of my path?