January 8, 2009
Probably the tired talking
I think I'm stuck between worlds. My world has a bunch of bad measuring sticks.
Today's measuring stick is baby sleep. If I were a good mother, my babies would sleep. If my babies would sleep, I would somehow be able to do the things that are important in life.
On one hand there's the nice scheduled world were mothers help their babies to sleep on a nice, regular, predictable schedule. Some do it by a firm commitment to crying it out. Others claim they don't really need to leave the baby to cry, baby just settles in to settling themselves. Mine certainly don't lead themselves that direction. And due to some weight gain issues with my oldest and never having plump babies anyway, the cry it out and strict schedule will never be for me.
On the other hand there's the baby wearing, co-sleeping world, where baby is always content with mom or dad or someone ... which would be great if you don't need or want any longer windows hands free and unencumbered. Maybe I'm too selfish to be a true baby wearing mom.
It seems like there'd be a middle ground, but I feel like my middle ground misses the best of both worlds; I don't have enough structure and regularity to feel like I can get what needs to be done, but because I keep trying to put a baby down for a nap, I don't have the happy la la existence of contentedly holding baby all the time. Instead I'll walk/nurse/wear her to sleep, put her down, nervously sneak away desperately hoping she'll stay asleep, and return a little wearier in 7 minutes when she's fussed herself awake.
If you're thinking, "But have you let her fuss, see if she settles down?" - yes, I have. Once in a great while she does settle herself back down. Usually she works herself up to true crying. Quickly.
If you're thinking, "But have you put her down tired but not nursed/walked to sleep, so she can drift off herself?" - yes, I've tried. See the answer above.
If you're thinking, "But she's not even 6 weeks old, cut yourself some slack ..." - that's a nice idea, but in my experience we're not really progressing towards better sleep for many months. In the meantime, the school needs, the household needs, grocery shopping, meal and clean up, child training, etc. marches on ... or, in my case, flounders on. When you are not a naturally scheduled/organized person, you're already living dangerously close to chaos, there's not much room for slack cutting.
and, in a semi-unrelated vein ... If you're thinking, "Kim hasn't answered any of my emails or sent me my thank you note, or sent me a Christmas card or birth announcement, or even let me know that she received my card/email ..." - I'm sorry. I guess that's where I *am* cutting slack, even though I shouldn't. I've never been a good letter/card writer, although I used to be an excellent email reply-er ... but being tired and discouraged and behind, I don't have the emotional energy to do those things. I know that's lame, how much effort does it take? But, like I said, I'm floundering. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, I feel bad and don't feel justified. I'm just letting you know the sad reality.
And I can't help think that if I were a better mom, somehow, I'd have a better handle on all those things. I'd be showered and dressed before noon, for example.
Posted by Kim at January 8, 2009 12:28 PM=) wow -- my youngest is almost a year old and if I get showered and dressed before my husband gets home in the evening, I'm good!
Actually, after reading this, I think you and I are probably very similar in our personalities... And my theory (though I'm only 4 babies in, not 7 yet!) is that sleep is much more about the baby's personality than the mother's great mothering/feeding/scheduling/crying-it-out skills. Some are good sleepers and some aren't -- and the moms that claim some theory works just happened to have good sleepers and any theory would have worked for them. But that's just my theory. ;)
I've had two good sleepers and two rotten sleepers -- and they happen to be every other one, so though I'm praying that God will give me another good sleeper this time, it's my turn for a not so good sleeper. If the first two were rotten sleeper and the last two were not, then I could say that I had gotten to be a better mother... Or if the first two were good sleepers, then maybe I could blame it on being distracted by my abundance of children, but!! It's every other one! :) My almost one year old sleeps better than my two year old and four year old!
So there's my rambling comment to say that I don't think it's your fault! Seven just likes your company!
I do know how sweet sleep is, so I'm praying that you get a good chunk of it tonight! (Or even this afternoon?)
::Hugs!::
Posted by: diapers4three at January 8, 2009 1:20 PMHey Kim,
Hang in there. Seriously, I don't shower before noon either. And I have only two kids both OVER the age of 8.
And dinners might be mac and cheese, or grilled cheese or soup. Don't fret it right now. Engage your other children's help, don't fret school - it will get taken care of later. This too shall pass. I know it's cliche, but it's so true. God is always next to you carrying you along.
Seven will grow older, eventually will sleep on her own, will be able to have alone time (I mean not having to be held) and all those things. For now, cuddle her, enjoy her - they are so small for such a short time. And it's gone before we know it.
I'll be praying for strength for you!
Posted by: Christine G. at January 8, 2009 2:37 PMI only have one, but know how hard it is not to get that much needed sleep. My dd slept really bad her first year. I did everything but stand on my head (maybe I should have tried that?). You are an amazing mom, and you are doing a great job. I will pray that Seven starts sleeping better so you can get some good sleep.
Posted by: Jen W at January 8, 2009 3:10 PMJen said well, Kim, some babies sleep well ... others don't. My son didn't sleep well at all for the first 10 months ... it was hard and I had to sleep whenever there was a spare moment. As I recall, I didn't have a spare moment at all back then ....with just my little 2 year old and my newborn son. I cannot imagine running a whole house hold with 6 other children and homeschooling to boot on top of caring for a tiny little baby. You're waaaay to hard on yourself! Please don't be Kim ... you're an amazing Mom and there's only so much of yourself that you can spread around.
Posted by: Daisy at January 8, 2009 3:56 PMMaybe it's time to redefine "good mom." My kids think I'm a good mom and I've NEVER showered before noon (my youngest is 8)! It just works better for me to shower after dinner dishes when hubby is there to be there in my stead. Whatever works for YOU works. It's not about joining a camp, it's about doing what works for your family.
Look, some moms let their babies cry it out and feel great about it. Some wear their babies and are miserable about it. If you're happy and relaxed, Seven has a greater chance of being happy and relaxed. Even that's no guarantee of better sleep, though.
It's time to put away books written by other moms and start writing your own.
Posted by: Peggy at January 9, 2009 11:28 AMI decided that showering daily isn't really good for either my skin or hair. maybe you could cut that slack?
Posted by: marcia at January 9, 2009 11:21 PMAs a brand new mom of school age children, I've decided that being a "good enough" mom is enough. I expected to be perfect and good at being a mom first time through the gate, and finally figured out that while I can gain parenting skills, I'm still a human mom. When we tell our children "Just do your very best," we should follow our own advice.
Congrats on Seven. She's very cute! :)
Posted by: Chris at January 10, 2009 3:13 PMI'll pray for you RIGHT NOW, Kim. You are tired. Life is so hard when we're tired. May the Lord uphold you in His amazing hand and may you REST! God bless you and all the AndFam group!
Posted by: Judy at January 10, 2009 6:24 PMKim, I think you and I are kindred spirits. Don't be so hard on yourself. And, don't expect yourself or your children to perform/behave/sleep like other people. I think I only survive the first few months of babyhood. I depend a lot on my other children to hold/rock/walk the newborn when I'm just not capable. I'll pray for you.
P.S. I hate it when I get the letters and numbers wrong in that character identification thingy.
Time for exquisite compassion for yourself. We all love you and Seven and everyone else. Get some help in.
Posted by: Linda at January 11, 2009 10:55 AMSorry, I know I'm late to the party here, but I've been a bad blog-reader here. Of course, that's only in the World According to Bloggers. In the world of real life, I probably shouldn't blog at all...
I always teetered between the extremes with my babies, too, wanting to be relaxed but thinking that there might possibly be some merit to that whole baby-schedule thing. And I do the same thing with parenting in general. Like you, I feel like I encompass the worst of all world instead of the best- my kids don't have the benefit of having a relaxed, ultra-nurturing, relationship-driven mom, but nor do they have the benefit of a strictly consistent, highly efficient & structured mom.
And then there's homeschooling. Because, you know, if I were a good homeschool mom my kids would be cracking the books at 8 am with a rigorous course of study and... er, wait, no, actually if I were a good homeschool mom we'd be relaxed and delight-directed and...
My point being, I know *exactly* where you are coming from! We can go round and round like that forever. The fact is, sometimes it just takes a long time to figure what really works for our babies/kids and for us. (And then when we do get it figured out, it changes again. :-)
Posted by: 40winkzzz at January 17, 2009 3:44 AM
