A Good Trip, and an Idiot

First the good trip part:

Iliacat loves bike rides. So today she wheedled me into going with her.

It only took us about a half hour to ride from home, past the Bike Shop (have I told you my Ray's story?) to see if they could fix my brakes (they couldn't, but I can bring it in for a tune up, which I think I will) to the local Nature Center down the excellent bike trail.

The phone-camera was in the backpack on the way there, duh. I should've taken pictures, it's a great trail. I should have taken the REAL camera, really. Because the phone makes us pay to get them, and then they look like they were taken either with a camera-phone or with state-of-the-art digital cameras from the early 90's. Ha ha! So next time I'll take it, I promise. But once we got there I thought we should send a pic home to The Grand Lunar.

Here we are when we got there:

Do I look sunburned? Oh, and excuse the fly-away-post-helmet head. Helmet Hair is Safe Hair, I always say.

But then we spent longer trying to send it, punching the tiny little buttons and not knowing what we were doing, than the ride out.

Eventually we conversed by text and got the picture sent. Twice. Ooops.

Then we rode home, the long way, going past the bizarre Overlook Park which overlooks (sounds nice so far, doesn't it? If I hadn't said bizarre? ) the chemical cooling ponds and plant. Yes, it really does. You can kind of see the chemical plant and ponds here. Well, you can see the ponds easily, but maybe you wouldn't have guessed they were chemical cooling ponds. Or something. I'm not really sure what they are. Actually, I think they're full of magic algae that eat the toxic waste or something. Maybe dad will tell us.

Here's where the scary ominous clouds looked pretty cool:

Here's Ilicat on the funky three legged foot bridge in our town. Well, foot and bike. I think you're allowed to ride over it. We did.

Oh, we're going for a walk to the park, so I'll have to tell you about the IDIOT later.

Am I Cool? Or Am I Nerd?****

(Sorry for the repeat info, Rosanne!)

So we had dinner out (in a real restaurant!) with some church folk today.

One of them was marveling over the stupid stuff at YouTube... apparently he’d just discovered it through some lazy coworkers who had the audacity to watch idiotic stuff while they were supposed to be working ...

So I proudly said, “I have something on YouTube!” and they asked, “What?!?!?!” and I said a short clip of Darth Vadar dancing*, and someone asked, “What’s he dancing to?” and I said, “Safety Dance” and someone around our age, who apparently has lived in a hole** all her life, said, “What’s Safety Dance?!?!?”

I had to say only the COOLEST song EVAH (next to anything Adam Ant did).***

They just didn’t get it.

(wanders away shaking head sadly)

______

* You might have seen this before. And no, it's not new and improved.
Okay, in my defense, I didn't take the pictures, Gark did, so I only had a few images to work with. And the horrible quality is mostly YouTube's fault, it compressed it when I uploaded it. It looks really, uh, great here on my computer. Yeah. That's the ticket. On my computer? There's like costumes and a disco ball, too. No, really. And back-up singers.

** Um, no offense to anyone else who has also lived in a hole. I've heard they're nice.

*** Except that gorilla thing. Which is almost enough to make me crawl in a hole. We'll just pretend he's not related to his former self. 'Kay?

**** Uh, we better pretend that the subject is rhetorical, too, eh?

did you follow all those *'s ? A bit too many, I think. Even I got a little confused with the blog flow today. Consider it an exercise in creative mental path following. It's good for your brain. No, really.

What are the chances they drugged my beverage at the restaurant? The more I re-read my own entry, the more I'm thinking I'm on something.

rambling addendum to my previous post

I just realized that my last post probably makes it sounds like I'm NOT doing well.

Really, friends, I think I'm okay. Today has been hard, I'm sure because it's a one week anniversary, and we tend to think in weeks, months, anniversaries. And because today is the first day we haven't had wonderful company to distract us. So the whole 'normal day' thing is a little different, being just us again.

So don't read too much into the other post. Really, I think we're doing okay. Normal ups and downs. Nothing to freak out about.

Also ...

I don't know who invented the idea that junk food makes you feel better when you're down, but it's not true. After spending the day indulging in junk food of several kinds I can testify that, really, it doesn't make you feel any better.

Not that that'll stop me from finishing off the m&m's.

Okay, now you can read the previous post.

I didn't add this to the front of it because it was long enough already. I was skimming it after I posted it (not checking for grammar or typos, though, so you'll have to alert me to those) and thinking, "Gee WHIZ, she yammers on and on. Enough already!"

which this post will make you think, soon, too.

if I don't

aburptly

stop

*poke poke* ... is she in there?

Sorry, I guess I was spaced out, there. Here I was wondering why I'm pretty much only getting spam, and it turns out it's cause I haven't posted.

It's a rare at-a-loss-for-words moment.

Oh, that that I'm really at a loss for words. I'm full of words, as always. I just am indecisive about which ones to use, today.

I've got stuff I could say, like about things blooming in my yard, but I'm not really up for the effort of taking pix and cropping, resizing, and uploading them. Yeah, yeah, I'm that overworked.

Here's a tiny sample from my recent flickr stuff.

Those daffodils that were struggling to beat the odds of being wrapped up with the worms under the 'protective' weed barrier? They managed to bloom! But they were very droopy. But, come to think of it, I think they've been droopy in the past, too. Maybe they need to be separated? I don't really know. Maybe someone can tell me.

And some other things are blooming, like my Vinca, seen above unfurling in a spiral. And some wild cherry blossoms that popped out quickly, from nothing to bud to blossom in 2 days.

There's also unphotographed violets, dandelions, and things getting ready to bloom. I have a post in my head about the clematis I pruned, but don't have the energy to write it.

Truth be told, that's really it, I don't have any energy today. Today is one week from when I realized I really was, for sure, miscarrying. Or, I think more accurate, wrapping up a miscarriage. I think probably the baby had died sometime sooner than even when the bleeding started, but since I didn't go the high techie route I don't have the answers that the average american mom would have right now. I don't think those facts and knowledge would help much, but sometimes my brain tries to trick me, telling me I'd feel better if I just knew when the baby died. I don't know. Anyway, I guess I'm down today because it's been a week, because this time last week I was putting away my hope, and turning to walk in grief-and-faith.

People have been asking how I'm doing, and it strikes me as such an odd question. I mean, I see why they ask, but it's hard to answer. What's "doing well" ? What does that really mean? How does it work when you should feel sad and bad? Mumbling "Oh, I'm feeling sad, but I know God is good." sometimes feels a little weak. Not untrue, just sort of paling compared to real life. Maybe I should say, "I'm very sad, but God is very good!" ... LOL

And things that are minor and stupid make me sad. Like all our children's birthdays have been in odd years, save for one that came one day early of the odd year (and who's complaining there, because he brought that tax bonus early!) ... '95, nearly '97, '99, '01, '03, '05 ... and now we won't have an '07. The system is all messed up. Wouldn't that make you cry? Now I'll have to use my ACTUAL memory, for future children, instead of just math.

But, really. Back to my rambles on how I'm doing... You can't say, "doing fine!" because then you sound like you're in denial. You can't (well, you could) just weep and bawl, because then people worry that you're NOT doing fine. But sometimes the truth sounds small compared to how big it feels.

Sad but walking in faith. Feels big. Sounds little.

Look at me rambling and repeating myself.

I'm just pooped today. Physically and emotionally.

And I know it's okay to be. I know I have reason to be.

It's just too bad it interferes with the chipper happy blog writing.

But, really. I should be going.

I'll tell you why.

Because being sad and tired does not a clean house make.

Yeah. Laying around dozing and being sad all day = a trashed house pretty fast. If mom ain't workin and dictating, ain't no kids working, either.

But mostly I need to go because Buzz's diaper is "mom," really REALLY "mom" -- stinking up the room. So I'm earnestly blogging to avoid it for a moment. Although the stink might overwhelm us all, so, really, I'll go do it now.

Why Decluttering Pays

So, as you've been following the drama of my decluttering, I'm sure you were wondering, "Does all this stress to declutter pay off?"

I am pleased to inform you that it, indeed, does.

But first, let's recap.

I did start 'early' this year, trying hard to pack up stuff about a month ago, realizing the church rummage sale was coming up fast. But then suddenly it was yesterday and The Grand Lunar was informing me that today was the last day to take stuff in.

And so today I worked hard. Very hard. To finish packing up boxes, sorting through bags, and of course hauling, hauling, hauling things up from the basement.

(And yes, I did work too hard. I know you all warned me. But hey, a procrastinator driven by deadlines expects to have to work too hard one day, to make up for all her lollygagging previously. I'll take it easy tomorrow, I promise. Just try to stop me.)

Here's the final tally, in pictures:

One MobyFull:

Since that's the back of a 15 passenger van (with the rearmost seat removed), that's about 6'x3'x3' packed, so we'll call it 54 cubic feet of clutter.

And One MoogieVanFull, or, alternately, a Leaning Tower of Clutter:

which is approximately, oh, lets call it 5'x3'x2' or so. Give or take. So that's 30 more cubic feet of clutter.

Or over 80 feet of cubic clutter, removed from the house.

When I got to the church to drop it off, with the first load, I was awestruck at the sight:

Is that not ... flabbergasting?

Oh, that's not me in the pic, I'm sure you new that. That's one of the church rummage sale workers who was willing to be photographed.

Anyway, Moogie was going to take load #2 on her way home, but I decided I'd take my camera to try to capture the immensity of the gathering clutter.

And on my way in, I saw it.

The grand prize for all my efforts.

Yes, it's a beautiful (except for the orange) bank of lockers!!

Perhaps you did not know, but I have been searching online for lockers, but unwilling to pay the gihugic price for new ones. Because they are sold to fairly specific niche markets, there's no 'entry level, modest priced' lockers out there.

When I saw these I immediately started begging all the sale workers to let me buy them. Officially the sale does not open until Friday morning, and early sales only go to those working hard to RUN the sale. Which is not me.

BUT it turns out everyone groaned in dismay to see the lockers. Because who in their right mind would buy lockers? They were sure they would just have to haul them to the dump after the sale. So they were pleased to have some crazy customer begging to buy them. And they were gracious enough NOT to jack up the price based on my obvious desperation to buy them.

I'm going to paint them lovely color. And put them in the dining room. Which, in my defense, is the room the back door enters into, and therefore is always full of discarded coats and shoes.

Just imagine those lovely lockers, in perhaps a pale spring green to match the back door, right here:

The coat and shoe area usually looks MUCH more cluttered than in this old picture, by the way. Imagine 3x as many coats and shoes, many of them barfing out of the area and sprawling on the floor. The light green lockers will replace this coatrack and shoe cubbies.

And that'll only take up, oh, 36 to 40 cubic feet.

It's almost ... WHAT!???!?!

It's almost time for the church yard sale.

I've got another week.

In my head.

But it turns out, in reality, in the real world, where the church and everyone else lives, I've just got another DAY.

Yes, that's right. Tomorrow is the LAST day for drop off.

Today was the first day.

So not a BIG window. But somehow all along I missed that the drop off was only on two days, and those days were Sunday and Monday.

So I've got a heap of stuff in the basement. Mostly packed up, but not totally.

And we've got a houseguest.

And a husband with a busted back.

And a suggestion to take it easy and ease back into physical activity as my body recovers.

And a heap of stuff in the basement.

Only some of which was really gone through carefully.

Phooey.

I guess tomorrow I'll set the children to tidying the main floor and I'll do what I can to sort out the clothes and half-packed boxes in the bedrooms, and drag up what I can from the basement, and try to take a trip or two to the church.

If it doesn't get done tomorrow ... well, it'll probably still be sitting here next year.

Next year maybe I'll plan ahead even better.

Reading the flyer about the drop-off, for example.

I didn't blog the trip pix!

I forgot to blog the trip pix, didn't I?

I was disappointed that I, personally, didn't get to take many pix of the beautiful U.P. but Iliacat stepped up to the challenge and took a whole lot of very nice ones for me.

So, come travel back in time a week, vacation vicariously up north with us!

On Saturday The Grand Lunar took the big kids ~ ours and the cousins ~ out to Gnome Rock, which involved driving a mile, walk a mile or so, and much climbing of rocks. And while it's hard to believe it in today's 70 degree weather, last weekend in the U.P. there was still much snow to be seen.

In no particular order:

A quite unflattering picture of me lounging on the couch the whole time. Some of you were concerned that we were roughing it in a cabin with no flush toilets and all that. To which I say "ha ha!" and then in my best Tweety voice, "He don't know me vewwy well, do he?" You can see here the cabin was equipped with everything but free wireless internet access. In this picture I am shoveling excellent rice-and-bean enchilada, made by my sister, into my mouth. Attractive, eh?

Tobi-Wan on the Rocks:

A whole bunch of children on the rocks:

Iliacat waaaaaay up on top of Gnome Rock ~ due to the snow and slippery moss, she was the only one able to climb to the top this time:

I believe she took this one, looking down on the Grand Lunar and cousin Chickie:

She also took some artsy ones you can see on my Flickr space, including Yooper Snowy Moss Rocks, the side of Gnome Rock, Gnome Rock itself, Ice breaking up along the shore, and BigE climbing up.

The Grand Lunar also captured this great one of Eminoodle Leaping off a rock.

And let's not forget Little D's Bloated Gusset Socks, which I finished while up there:

They fit better than they looked like they would, and Little D seemed excited about receiving them, although has not chosen to wear them voluntarily, so perhaps it's one of those "it's the thought that counts" type of gifts.

Buzz liked them, too, here is is posing with them; you can still see the bloated gusset section:

Oh, and last but not least, some little red squirrels came to beg at the cabin's back door. And we named them all Hammy. Since they usually came one at a time, we pretended it was just one squirrel we were poisoning with Corn Pops and frozen waffles and Apple Jacks.

Oh, last last thing. In case all the snow and stuff freaks you out, go check out this picture that my sister posted on her Flickr space, which is the same day as all the others, but actually makes the snow covered beach look rather like a white sand tropical paradise!!!

Did you go look? If not, go look! I'll wait.

(cheerful hold music)

Sometimes a little imagination goes a long way.

Okay ONE more last last thing. Since you've all been so wonderful praying for us, and I've already got your prayertention (prayer attention, of course) would you also pray for The Grand Lunar? He's hurt his back, or the stress of this past week has hurt his back ... he is having acute attacks that are so painful he can't really move; in between they subside to 'very painful, but able to move around' ... he isn't sleeping well because of it, and it's wearing him down.

thanks, good friends.

A Happy Sock Post

I finished my third pair of socks today! A pair for little Buzz that I started last Friday while lounging up north.

Buzz was very very pleased. Click here for a little video of him showing his socks and pointing out that he has "two-uh" of them.

And here's a picture of Iliacat from last night at her concert, in her tux shirt, tie, and cummerbund. I didn't get a good picture of the whole choir, which is too bad.

Doesn't she look nice?

And Now The Rest of the Story ...

Well, the rollercoaster hasn't quite come to a complete and final stop, but we know know which direction it is headed.

We found out yesterday that the baby is no longer alive. It was a difficult day, and I did not tell the children (or the blog) until today. I will admit that more than anything else, I was surprised that the process was so much like 'real' labor. (yes, I know, it IS real labor) but especially in contrast to the easy birth six years ago, this one was difficult, physically as well as emotionally.

The Grand Lunar came home from work and picked his sister up from the airport, with all the children, so that I could stay home and rest, and stayed home to be with me after that, which was really nice, just to have him here.

By evening I was feeling better and able to make it to Iliacat's end of the year concert for the Youth Honors Ensemble. She was beautiful and sang well and I was so proud of her.

We celebrated Tobi-wan's birthday with the first of the presents and the songs, but he'll get cake and more presents on Sunday with my parents.

Anyway ... now we move on with grieving for what is lost, and hoping for the future, and knowing that in all things, God is good.

My biggest prayer is that He would, indeed, be glorified through this. That through our lives, our loss, that He would bring glory to Himself.

Praise the Lord, His goodness endures forever.

A Mere Six Years Ago ...

Six years ago ...
around midnight ...
I talked to my midwife and we agreed I was in labor, but not too far along in labor, since I was still jokey and chatty. I decided to go upstairs to sleep for awhile, and make sure that my stop-and-start contractions weren't going to stop again. I promised I'd call back when things got serious.

And so I slept.

I would wake up in the middle of a strong contraction, unable to talk, and think, "Must Tell Lunar!" ... but then as the contraction would fade I would doze back off, until the next one.

Finally, after who knows how long, I woke up enough to mumble "call the midwife!" and hurry off to the bathroom, myself. In the bathroom I realized my body wanted to push. When The Grand Lunar returned, I said I thought we might've waited too long to call. I lay on the bed with my feet up trying hard not to push.

A few contractions later I said, "what's that, the bag of waters bulging?"

But this was no bag of water, what with little eyes and a nose, and a whole body soon to follow.

We tried hard to remember our "sudden birth" instructions. I sat up and wrapped a blanket around me and the baby while I nursed, and not too long after my parents arrived. It wasn't until mom asked whether it was a boy or girl that we realized, in all the excitement, that we hadn't checked. It was a boy.

Not long after that, the midwife arrived.

What a sweet, cute kid. He had fluffy little curls when he finally got hair, and big brown eyes like the Grand Lunar.

Today, as he turns six, he's handsome, silly, sweet, and sensitive. I love my Tobi-Wan.

On Not Knowing ...

It's been a hard day. A lot of crying, mostly when I was alone. Extra salty shower and all that.

The simple update is there's not much new information. I still have some light bleeding. It might even be lighter than yesterday. I'm not sure.

I've spent a lot of the day scheming in my head. How could I get an ultrasound without strings attached?

Why is the medical world set up so that you can't just get the tests you want, when you want them, and the analysis, but not the ongoing relationship unless you desire it? From my past experience, I know that doctors' office staff are pretty abrupt with people who come in at the wrong time, or with different thoughts than the average patient. You can't just waltz in and say you're planning something different but would like to purchase just one service. Maybe it's all the fears of malpractice, but many of the practices I called in the past wouldn't really even talk to me if I wasn't going to pretend to become a regular patient.

Anyway, I realize that I'm looking more to *medical knowledge* than to God for my peace, my assurance. I wrestle with feeling like I could handle either answer, as long as I had AN answer ... and I start scheming again, how can I get an answer.

But I come back to these facts:

1.) God could've given me an answer by now. We could've heard clear heart tones yesterday. Or I could have increased bleeding and passed the baby. My uterus could've been mushy and soft and all wrong for the dates. If He had the ability to give us an answer, but did not, why do I think I should seek an answer elsewhere?

2.) I asked my husband's guidance, and he gave it to me. I believe that is a God-ordained method of guidance. I didn't feel able to make a decision, and the Grand Lunar stepped in with his.

But not knowing, itself, continues to be hard. Not knowing whether I should start grieving, or rejoicing. I can rejoice that God is in control, that God is good, that God has a plan and will glorify Himself regardless of the outcome, indeed through the outcome, whichever directions things go. And truly, that is my prayer. Lord, you ARE good. All this is in Your hands, for Your glory.

But I can't currently rejoice or mourn the circumstances. I am stuck in limbo, waffling back and forth, somehow trying to do both at once.

Which makes for some tearful trips to the bathroom (one of the few places I'm alone during the day) ...

I guess if nothing else I can rejoice that I'm usually alone in the bathroom! I know not all mothers have that luxury.

Anyway, I'd love to chatter on about other things, but this waiting unknowing is weighing heavily on my mind.

I wonder sometimes when one knows to go and seek medical assistance ~ I do believe He uses it, I believe He often works through it. But I keep coming back to this situation and not really feeling he's telling me to go in. Sometimes I get upset, because I know most everyone else I know would go in. Why do I have to be the 'special' one with the crazy ideas? Why couldn't I just assume I should do it the way everyone else in America does it?

But ... I have truly loved our homebirths. And I have felt the snowballing of medical 'help' when one doesn't meet the doctor's schedule. I'd like to borrow the excuse that the situation is telling us to seek medical knowledge, but I don't really think this situation is. If it is, I pray that God really lays it on my heart, not a longing to have facts but an urgency that medical knowledge would be His way this time. And that more than that, He would lay it on the Grand Lunar's heart, and even my midwife's heart, whispering "Now is the time. This is the situation."

But unless He does that, I will just have to keep turning back to Him, trying to find peace and rest in the knowledge that He is good, He is in control, and that He has NOT called us that route.

If you would, please pray with me that He'll help me keep turning back to Him, even when it's hard.

Ahhh, a nice, lighthearted meme

The nice thing about having a "rambling" category is that almost every post fits neatly in there.

Theresa tagged me for this meme. I'll tag ... um ... Rosanne (got to get her to blog soon! She's slacking off!) and ... um ... Erin ~ bwah ha ha!!

1. How old will you be in 10 months? Let's see. What's today? The 16th? Then in 10 months I'll be 39. Wow.

2. Do you think you'll be married by then? I certainly hope so! I won't entertain thoughts to the contrary.

3. What do you look forward to most in the next 3 months? Spring finally arriving?

4. Who was the last person you called? The Urgent Care Clinic

5. Who was the last person to call you? Adam from the Music Program

6. Do you prefer to call or text? Texting, hands down. Literally.

7. Do you have any pets? We're down to one cat. I'm really her step-mother. She's never loved me.

8. What were you doing at 12am last night? Sleeping pleasantly.

9. Are your parents married/divorced/separated? Married.

10. When is the last time you saw your sister? Sunday! Just yesterday!

11. What happened at 10:00 am? I think that was around the time I finally took a shower. Before that I was knitting.

12. How many states have you lived in? Two. But only one that I remember much of.

13. Who was the last person you were(are) mad at? The rude receptionist at the regular doctor's office who acted like I was stupid. (insert Hammy voice: I'm not stupid.)

14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Socks. Unless the floor is crunchy or sticky. Then shoes. I'll leave you to guess which it usually is.

15. Are you a social person? Yes, when I'm not tired.

16. What was the last thing you ate? A handful of tropical jelly beans. I don't know why.

17. What is your favorite ice-cream? Dean's Country Charm Moose Tracks. With what we call Yamok Sauce.

18. What was your last alcoholic drink? Smirnoffice. Which is technically called Smirnoff Ice, but sounds better if you run it together ending with the word 'office', don't you think? Before I was pregnant.

20. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB&J sandwhiches? I prefer peanut butter and honey.

21. How was your day today? Oh ... I don't know. It was a roller coaster. Overall ... 3?

22. What are you excited about? Um ... we've got an overnight date coming up in May.

23. What do you drink in the morning? Usually decaf candy coffee.

24. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone? With The Grand Lunar, for sure.

25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? The left side as you face the bed. Or the right side as you lay on your back in bed.

26. Do you know how to play poker? No, not really.

27. Do you like to cuddle? The Grand Lunar, and my kids, especially babies.

28. Have you ever been to Canada? Oh sure, sure.

29. Do you eat out or at home more often? at home.

30. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you? Kristen M. Although I don't know what happened to her.

32. Do you speak any other language? Not fluently enough to count. I took German in high school and did well and could've been fluent.

34. Have you ever been in an ambulance? Um ... no.

35. Did anyone brighten your day? Yes, my friends who left all the kind and encouraging words and prayers and blog comments. They mean a lot to me.

36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle seat? window

37. Do you know how to drive a stick shift? Oh sure, sure. Although I'm getting worse at it since I don't do it often anymore.

38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on? One of my favorites is to be the "yes man" (er, woman) for the silly things The Grand Lunar likes to buy. That, and chocolate.

39. Do you wear any jewelry 24/7? My wedding rings

40. What is your favorite TV show? Currently? The Office. Only we don't have cable or an antenna, so we scavenge reruns where we can. Not Current? Maybe Columbo. And of course all Star Trek.

41. Can you roll your tongue? Of course.

42. Who is the funniest person you know? The Grand Lunar, when you really get him rolling. Especially if you can get he & Joe to talk about the old days.

43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? Not anymore.

44. What is the main ring tone on your phone? How long is this meme, anyway? My lame cell phone just makes a digital ringing noise.

45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little? I have some clothes from when I was a smaller size, does that count?

46. What is the color of your bedroom walls? Well, technically they're off white. Only someone must've smoked in the room long before that, and this icky yellow-brown has bled through inconsistently so they're blotchy and kinda gross, really. Someone should paint in there.

47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth? Good question. I'll try to pay attention. I think usually off, but not always?

48. Do you sleep with your closet doors opened or closed? Open. To let the clutter breathe.

49. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of killing bees? Who writes these questions? I would rather die peacefully in my sleep when I was very old.

50. Do you flirt a lot? Not anymore. Except perhaps with the Grand Lunar. I'll have to ask him if I flirt.

Still More Not Knowing

well ...

I haven't received the clarity I prayed for.

On the 'good news' side, my midwife said my uterus felt the right size and firm, she's felt some pre-miscarriage ones that felt 'enlarged but soft' and mine wasn't soft. She heard some possible placental noises but she wasn't sure.

But we couldn't get any heart tones for the baby.

But we both remember having trouble getting them this early on be before. Especially when I had the bleeding with little D. We heard them just fleetingly, just enough to give us a glimmer of hope, with LittleD, but then we could not confirm them or get them back.

So ... it was all just very inconclusive.

Really, it's all very similar to what it was like when I bled with LittleD, except for not getting fleeting heart tones this time. But that doesn't really mean anything, either.

I called my regular doc and said I didn't have a regular OB and could I come in? The lady treated me like I was an idiot for not seeing anyone earlier than 13 weeks. They can't get me in until 3 pm tomorrow to see the doc, and then the ultrasound would be separate after that, and I'm supposed to chaperone Iliacat's choir at 4 pm. So I left the tentative appointment at 3 pm but said I wasn't sure I could get out of my commitment. But I didn't like the way they talked to me.

I called urgent care, but they send people to ER for this sort of thing.

And ...

I'm struggling with the fact that it's not really an emergency. I mean, if the baby's in trouble, it's too early gestationally to *DO* anything but wait and rest and pray. I would hate to take ER time and ER doctors from more pressing emergencies.

As I was writing this, I heard back from The Grand Lunar. I've been too back-and-forth to make a decision, so I asked him, so we'll go with what he suggested. He recommends waiting and resting more, rather than messing with going to the doc or ER.

Please pray that waiting a week will provide more answers than today did.

:(

***

but in lighter news ...
I was crying, then stopped. Then the doorbell rang. It was the neighbor. So I called the big kids who whooshed down to come play. It was AFTER talking with the neighbor that one of the kids said to me, "What's wrong, mom, you have black lines down your face!"

Apparently my new mascara isn't waterproof.

Look at me, I'm a Twirl-o-Paint

Well, here it is, Monday Morning.

I'm feeling a little like ... no, a lot like ... a twirl-o-paint.

Did you have one of those when you were a kid? We did.

You put paper in on that little rack that holds it in place, and drip different colors of paint onto it while it twirls around, and the paint spins and splatters and runs together. You don't really know what it will look like until you're done, and it can be a little messy while it's in process.

So I'm a Twirl-o-Paint of emotion today, with all the different hopes and fears and twinges and reactions swirling and splattering all around and mixing together. The twirling is making me a little dizzy and nauseous, really. And we won't know how it turns out until it's done.

I'm sure glad God is in control. With so many ups and downs and mixed emotions and fears, I wouldn't even know what to think or do. I'm glad He does.

Anyway.

My midwife is coming over at 1:30 Eastern.

I'll let you know later this afternoon how it goes.

Back in Town

hey there!
I'm back in town!
Putting up my feet while the family does the hard work of unpacking. I'll have to delegate the mounds of laundry we brought back.

Anyway, thank you again for your prayers. It is so heart warming to read the comments and realize how many friends are praying for us.

I don't really have much new to say. The bleeding has continued, lightly. A little more than 'spotting' but less an a 'regular flow' ... a light flow, I guess, a little off and on. Sometimes I feel crampy and some pressure. I remember when I had the big bleeding with LittleD and analyzed every cramp and pressure and twinge, and I'm feeling about the same.

this morning was my weepiest, feeling frustrated at not being able to run around packing up efficiently, not knowing whether lounging around while others worked was even benefitting anyone, wishing I knew something one way or another.

Tomorrow I'll see my midwife and we'll use the doppler to try for heart tones. I'm praying that the Lord just really makes things clear, either we hear the tones or we don't hear anything ambiguous like the placental swish ... I don't know if tomorrow will really tell me anything or not.

Annnnnyway. My daughter and sister were good enough to get out and take lots of pictures for me, so I'll upload some nice ones after I look at them. I didn't get much knitting done, despite sitting around doing nothing most of the time, but I did finish LittleD's crazy socks and started on one that was originally intended for Tobi-Wan but in the end was clearly for Buzz. I just have to kitchener up the toe and I can show you the first one.

I may have more days of lounging around doing nothing but blogging, knitting, and directing, for your reading pleasure. We do have company coming on Wednesday, so keep me in prayer about that, too, with the emotional pressure of not knowing what's up with the baby, and Ilia's big choir concert on Wednesday, and Tobi-Wan's birthday, and company, and being expected not to 'do too much' ... I'm sure the week will be a rollercoaster.

Makes for good blogging, though, right?

Thank you, dear friends

I just want to thank you, my dear friends, for praying for me, and for asking other friends to pray. It means a lot to me.

I'm grabbed The Grand Lunar's notebook, my sister's car & housekeys, and snuck over to her house to grab a few minutes to update. I thought with GL's computer I could just log in and not have to REMEMBER my password, but guess what? It had forgotten it too. But thank the Lord, He eventually reminded me of the right one so I could post.

So ... for those of you who didn't see it snuck in the comments, I am posting from our vacation in the U.P. to ask you for prayer. I've had some bleeding with this pregnancy (12.5 weeks along) ... it started with a little 'old blood' (hope this isn't TMI) and then progressed to heavier and fresher blood, which really isn't a good sign.

I have talked to my midwife and I'm doing a modified bedrest and prayer approach. At this point the bleeding has slowed, but not really stopped. I spotted yesterday evening, but really didn't have much overnight, but it has picked up again today. Not heavy, but kind of always a little present. so ... I am still having some bleeding, off and on, at this point.

and, at this point, even things seeming to get better doesn't really tell us anything. If I am miscarrying, it could happen quickly or it could take days of off and an bleeding. We don't really know. Rather than rush to a clinic an hour away, we've decided to continue our normal low-intervention approach and just wait and pray. We'll drive home tomorrow, and Monday I'll see my midwife and she'll see if we can get any heart tones. At 13 weeks we may or may not, we've had trouble getting other babies' tones that early. I guess we'll pray and discuss more after that.

SO ... i don't really have any new updates, I'm not sure there really could be one without an ultrasound. For those of you who don't know, I had similar-but-different bleeding with little D, about 4 years ago, and in that case the ultrasound did show he was doing well but labeled us 'high risk' for other reasons and kind of stirred up up whole 'nother realm of prayer concerns and things to worry about. Or try not to worry, as you pray and trust God, if you know what my mean. So I'm not sure I want to go that route again, even though I know it could at least tell us whether the baby is alive or not. Since we're planning a homebirth, it would involve finding a doctor who would be willing to see me despite those plans. I don't really feel comfortable trying to *conceal* those plans, although I suppose I could just omit that information.

Anyway, I apologize for rambling now. I feel a little ... hesitant ... asking for prayer when I know so many others have walked this path quietly, and so many more have dealt with so much more than I have ... but then I've never been one to walk silently ;-) so I may as well have my friends praying along with me. Most of all, my desire is that God would bring Himself glory through our lives.

Well, I'll be home tomorrow night, and I'll post then.

thank you again, my good friends. I love you all. I was so encouraged to read your comments on my last post. It means a lot to me to know you're there.

kim

note to self: go finish packing

Don't sit there and read blogs. No matter what exciting things are happening in your friends' lives.

You've got packing to do, girl.

You are NOT done. You do NOT really deserve an extended break. In fact, you can't afford it.

Go finish packing.

You'll be glad you did.

Use the extra time to make sure all the packed bags get INTO THE VAN this time. They don't do any good sitting at home, you know.

P.s. to the readers ~ I did tell you I was going away, didn't I?
I'm going away. Until Monday.
Without internet access.

Well, unless I get desperate.

But I don't plan to. I've got books and knitting and I'm hoping for a little extra SLEEP.

Plus the nature.

Which is all covered in snow.

But, still.

Ooooh look at the finch! Is that a house finch or a purple finch?

Mom, he's back, right after you left! Rats.

Oh, anyway, back to what I was saying.

Gotta go.

I'll miss you. I'll blog in my head for you. That much I promise.

Since we've no place to go ...

Two down.

According to the brick.

Two to Six more to go. With no signs of stopping.

It has not a good year for these daffodils.

I should sneak over to the neighbors and take a picture of her blooming daffodils weighed down by the snow.

Only there's enough snow to leave telling footprints. She'd know I did it.

Although, on the other hand, the footprints would be safely buried soon enough.

'Cause the weather outside is frightful.

This Time They're Healthy

Since last time I made muffins I didn't "healthify" them, in hopes of being praised for the fatty, sugary indulgence, and was not, today I went back to our regular healthified muffins.

Well, mostly healthified. You gotta go with what works.

I'll tell you my secret.

Chocolate.

Seriously.

A little bit of mini chocolate chips go a long way.

I can make my muffins 100% whole wheat, reduce the sugar, omit much of the added fats, even add giant cans of pumpkin, and if there's chocolate chips in it, they'll eat it. And like it.

If your children like dried fruit and nuts in their muffins, you're way ahead of me.

Anyway. Rambling on. Today's breakfast is Mostly Healthy Peanut Butter muffins.

Chocolate Chip & Peanut Butter Muffins

3 1/2 cups White Whole Wheat Flour
1 tsp salt
2.5 Tbsp baking powder
1 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup honey (or agave nectar)
2 Tbs flax seed, ground
3 cups water
1/2 cup mini chocolate chips (use a vegan brand of chocolate to make these vegan muffins)

mix dry ingredients, then blend in peanut butter until the mixture is a grainy texture

Mix honey and water and add, mix to blend, then stir in chocolate chips.

Pour into a nonstick-lined 9x13 pan

Bake 22-30 minutes at 400 degrees

Cut into 24 square muffins

Think about it. 1/2 cup of mini chocolate chips is only 8 servings of mini chips, spread over 24 muffins. And yet they're tiny enough to give you a little chocolate in every bite, and seem like a treat. Isn't that better than a stick or two of butter and an extra cup of sugar?

Hey, it works for me.

Just Pooped Today

Like my 4 year old, my almost-2 year old is running a little slow on the verbal development. Not as in "I'm concerned there's a problem" but as in he'd rather gesture and use one-word statements and re-enactments to get his point across. He's really quite good at making himself known, most of the time.

But when I ask him how his diaper his, he pats his bottom, nods, and says, "Mom."

Mom?

What does that mean, that he says Mom when patting his diaper? At first I thought it was a much-shortened version of "It's fine, you don't need to change it, Mom."

Today, though, I realized he might just mean "Full of Poop."

That could be synonymous with Mom, to him. After all, I'm the one telling him he shouldn't need to nurse for 5 minutes, play for 5, nurse for 5, play for 2, nurse for 3, play for 6, nurse for 4, etc. all day long. I'm the one telling him he can't go outside alone, or eat chocolate for lunch. I'm sure my statements come across to him as just full of poop.

But the Grand Lunar had a different interpretation. A nicer one. Maybe "Mom" means pooped. That, too, would be true of both me and the diapers. Me more often than the diapers, really.

Like today. I'm just pooped.

The sad thing is, today isn't the day I worked hard.

That was yesterday. Yesterday I made a long list of "home recovery" from the Easter Weekend. I assigned the older children independent school work, and some of the cleaning, and all day long I kept moving on to the next thing on my list. And I got it all done. And the house looked nice.

The idiotic (full of poop!) thing is that I realize if I would just do that EVERY day, it wouldn't be so much work. Yeah, yeah, I've learned that much from the flylady. I've learned the concept. But not the practice.

I'm good at that.

Today, since the house looked fairly nice when I started, I didn't make a list, nor did I stick to my regular list. I knit a little. Worked a little. Assigned a little. I did a lot of a little, but didn't really see things to completion.

So here it is, 7:36 pm, and I'm pooped, but most of today's work is still unfinished.

Again.

You'd think I'd eventually learn, wouldn't you? But no, I'm sitting here blogging, instead of working.

Oh, but there IS good news. Dinner was good. I've posted it before, so instead of the recipe I'll just link to it. Linda's Rice and Beans.

Oh, except I see that 1.) I didn't actually follow the recipe as it was written (I never do!) and 2.) that's not what I called it there. It's the 2nd recipe down. The 2nd sister. So I'll just semi-repeat today's version, and you can go back and read the other version (especially with the first recipe for the cucumber salsa! -- which I didn't make today) if you're interested in the many variations ....

Today was even easier:

Linda's Rice and Beans

1 cup white rice
1 cup Jubilee brown rice blend -- LOVE that stuff.
4 cups water
cook together as usual until rice is cooked
mix in 1 can black beans, drained & rinsed
spread in 9x13 pan
sprinkle with
~2/3 cup shredded parmesan
1 cup shredded cheddar
heat in 300 degree oven until heated through (or 30 minutes while you pick up your child from choir)

Yum. Everyone liked it. Except Gark, who refuses to eat rice. And we had a fruit salad with it. The kind that's made just out of fruit. That was good, too. It was nice to have a relatively healthy dinner for a change. I'm looking forward to feeling better regularly enough to cook healthy for us again.

But that's a different ramble.

Right now I've got a kitchen to clean.

And laundry to finish.

And fold.

And, apparently, change a diaper that's really really mom.

I'm What???

Hey Wow.

Apparently someone nominated me for the 2007 Homeschool Blog Awards! I'm a little shocked and stunned and maybe confused. If someone's trying to buy my love, it's working but they better step forward so I know who to love!! But seriously, folks, I don't think I should be in the "Best Of ..." -- there's tons of great stuff out there. I would like to win "Not the best but she amuses me" or something. Maybe, "hey, she rambles but has nice photos for an amateur" ... That would be more fitting. Not that that's Fancy False Modesty you're hearing. I may have my bizarrely placed pride, but not enough to fake modesty about my blog, LOL. This here is real modesty. Or just reality, maybe. I mean, I like my blog, but I wouldn't call it "best of" anything ... Except maybe the cartoons! ooooh, how about "best rambler to get to the point, pass it, and keep right on going?"

Or perhaps someone out there has some elaborate plan to feed me full of potential web glory and sit back quietly giggling as my head grows big from the attention? Although, really, that doesn't sound likely.

So, wow. Believe it or not, I found my blog in there twice! (Is there a category for "Looks for herself in every category" ?) Once for "Best Homeschooling Mom Blog" and once for "Best Homemaking or Recipes Blog". Which kinda makes me think I should post more about homeschooling, homemaking, and recipes. Although I've got nothing helpful to say on homemaking, you already know that.

So ANnnnnyyway, rambling on.

If you'd really like to vote for me, I'd be honored. But on the other hand, I'm cool with you voting for one that really IS best. Maybe one with a recipe for something ooey gooey and chocolatey. And easy to make. 'Cause that sounds good to me right now.

Not so bad, really

You know, "S.O.S. - Save Our Sock!" might have been a better title yesterday than the Unclear on the Gusset title. Although that was a tribute to Mr. Boffo, my old, dear friend.

Okay, anyway, I stayed up way too late and finished the sock anyway. Despite my bloated gusset reservations.

Really, it's not so bad once it's on the foot.

Turns out, too, that Tobi-Wan and Little D have almost the same size feet.

Anyhoo, here's the sock on its intended foot:

Like the bag in the background, Becky?

Anyway, you can still see the hole, and the gusset bloat, but it's not TOO obvious, and Little D is pleased and anxiously awaiting sock #2, which of course will in no way match because that self-striping yarn doesn't actually have a repeating pattern. I think if I had just ribbed the sock, it would've been fine.

Anyway, despite declaring it "not so bad" I'll still take thoughts, suggestions, and advice to further my future sock making skills and alleviate my gusset and flap disability. Don't let the project being completed stop you from saving me.

In sort of related news ... After a weekend of taking EMinoodle out, knitting, working in the basement, and then doing n-o-t-h-i-n-g yesterday my house is understandably trashed.

But ... Little D needs another sock. One for each foot.

Isn't that reason enough for a NothingButKnit day?

**addendum** Shari reminded me that I didn't say what kind of yarn and all that stuff that good knitters remember to say. LOL.

I am using Moda Dea Sassy Stripes: "Spring" which is listed as "light" weight but seems about the same thickness as the "worsted weight" I just used. I really don't GET those weight labels. I am using size 3 (3.25 mm) wood dpns.

I'm sort of using the same pattern as I used in the other sock, which would be The Super Simple Knitwit Sock Pattern but I used 36 stitches instead of 40 (which made very little difference, really, even with the supposedly lighter weight yarn) ... I made it "preschooler" sized by shortening the leg portion and the foot portion. And I already mentioned the bad-idea-gusset modification I made LOL. I only bought one skein of this, 50 g, and I am guessing it will be just about enough for two preschooler socks. Which makes for expensive socks, when you think about it.

There are a lot of other self-striping yarns ~ the yarn I bought for *my* socks is Paton's Kroy Sock Yarn in Krazy Stripes ... it looks darker in person than in those images online.

I'm enjoying the "magic" self striping enough to consider getting some more to try out, I am thinking of trying Lion Brand Magic Stripes in Bright Spring or Jellybean -**After** I make my own socks, that is.

Unclear on the Gusset

Calling all sock knitters! Calling all sock knitters! Please respond to a knitting distress call!

Help me out here.

In my first socks I followed The Knitwit Sock Pattern and my heel flap looked fine until I followed the gusset directions, picked up 10 slipped stitches along each side, and continued. While I think I followed the directions correctly, somehow the flap curved around and the turn ended up midway through the sole of the heel.

I decided maybe it was because I'd picked up too few stitches for how many rows the heel flap was long? (It said to make it 2.5" so I did) ...

See how it curves around and the turn isn't really where it's supposed to be?

So then I was trying to make a sock for my 4 year old, whose feet aren't a lot smaller than Eminoodles. I thought maybe the flaps on hers curled because I only picked up a little more than half the rows so that I'd get the 10 stitches per side it said to pick up. I tried to distribute those 10 evenly among the flap rows. But then it curved around and I thought maybe the too-few gusset pick ups were pulling it around the corner?

So on this sock I picked up 13 stitches on each side, because I had about that many rows (actually, about double the rows, because I was doing that slip-stitch double-thick heel thing - on both socks) ... anyway, because of that, my 36 stitch sock jumped to something like 52 stitches and it took a long time to decrease back down to the 36 stitches, and the whole while the gusset is big and flat and bloated.

I mean I realize it's supposed to be a little bigger, but wow, it's like he'd need a swollen broken ankle to *fit* the socks.

I haven't frogged it back to the flap yet because I'm just confused. Plus it's a lot of work and I don't want to do it over, LOL. But seriously.

I don't really get what's going on during the flap-and-turn-and-gusset. I mean, I see where the stitches go, but I'm not sure how to get them to work together.

Am I doing something *way wrong* ? Or ... what?

Also, what's up with that little hole at the top of where I picked up stitches. I know it LOOKS like I didn't pick up close enough to the edge, but if anything I went a bit too far and somehow picked up something that was on the edge of the two parts. I don't know, I'm just confused.

See how *square* it looks in these instructions? No bloat. No curved flap.

Should I frog back the bubble-footed sock, or persevere since I'm almost done and a 4 year old won't care anyway? He's just happy to be getting socks.

But I need to have all this figured out before I do MY socks! :-D

Can you help me get a clue?

Workin' Hard

Shari asked in the comments for an update on the decluttering ... which made me feel guilty for sitting around in my "work clothes" not working. So I went to the basement to work. I decided that, for the moment, instead of decluttering I'd continue my project of ripping out the old closet in there, the one built poorly out of pressboard but glued and nailed in so many places that it was hard to get any purchase on. Anyway, I had to call on The Grand Lunar for help, but together we pounded, wrenched, pried, banged, and got it all out.

Whoooo!

Of course, now I've got a heap of mildewed pressboard and boards and trim all broken and naily. And An exposed wall and floor with globs of old black glue.

I think that I'm going to tidy that area up as much as possible but NOT try to paint and pretty it. A 65 year old foundation that seeps isn't going to have a cheap or easy fix, so I think just living with it for now is our only option. I'll maybe get some of the strong heavy duty plastic shelves and store things in there. Then I can clear the *storage* things out of the other basement room and use my paint and effort to make that one room a play and craft room.

So ... the decluttering. It's not going too bad. For me, anyway. I have made more progress than I expected. I discovered that a lot of the stuff isn't mine to decide, I'll be calling in The Grand Lunar on all the software, computers, and Star Trek paraphernalia. I have two 30 gallon bags of trash (one not yet full, but it will be!) and a pile of boxes to go. There's a few items still in the "maybe keep, maybe give" pile ~ a lot of it hinges on how useable I can make that room. If I can turn it in to a nice play room it would be a great place to play with the two boxes in question. They are things that have lived in the basement but the children DO ask about from time to time, and we bring them up for a little while. But most of the little obnoxious miscellaneous toys that added up are packed up and ready to go.

I did take 'before' pictures, which I won't post until there's a good after, but I will take a picture of the "get rid of" pile before they go out.

One funny story - as I was going through piles of boxed I found one that I wasn't sure what it contained. When I opened it, it was a half-filled box from LAST year's church yard sale attempt. Whooops! But at least it was one more box half-done for THIS year. And THIS year I won't forget to finish it off.

New Socks, Two Socks

New Socks. Two Socks.
Whose Socks? Noodlesocks.
Who sees who sew whose new socks, sir?
You see Kim sewed Noodles socks, sir.

As you can see, I finally got them done. It's hard to tell, but I think #2 might be slightly shorter than #1, I found it very difficult to get them the same, and I think #1 had been slightly stretched out by the tryings on and such. Eminoodle is very hard on socks, she seems to wear holes in things almost immediately. So I'm wondering how long all that effort will last.

But she likes them.

I will get started on my crazy striped sock yarn for myself, next. Although all the little boys are clamoring for socks of their own. I am looking forward to trying smaller needles, thinner yarn, and more stitches for a more polished look. Hopefully.

I was so sad, all along I had wanted to join the Green Sock Knit-Along, which has such a cute graphic - here, I may as well steal it and use it, it's such a nice graphic. Only the link no longer goes anywhere. I'll link it to what it was linked to, so you can see for yourself. If it moved, I never found it.

Anyway, earlier this year I read about the green sock knit-along on Wool Winder's site, and that's when I decided I would try sock knitting. And so I have. My green socks, my very first socks, are complete. Amen.

** edited to add info on the pattern & yarn:

I used this pattern: The Super Simple Knitwit Sock Pattern

I used Caron Simply Soft Brites in Lime green ~ a thin worsted weight (I'm a little confused on all that, it SAYS worsted weight, but it seemed thinner than average to me) and size 3 (3.25 mm) needles.

I know you haven't read the last two posts yet

but that's okay, I don't want to clean the kitchen or check on the laundry, so I'll just keep on posting, posting, posting ...

Today was my 'date out' with Eminoodle. Once a week the Grand Lunar or I (we alternate) take one of the children (we rotate) out for a meal-and-something. The Something depends on the weather and season and child. Sometimes it's as exciting as those vehicles at the mall that you put 50 cents in so they go up and down. But today Eminoodle requested swimming.

So we went to Arby's first, her request. Turns out that an Arby's Melt and a Arby's Beef & Cheddar are not sufficiently similar to be swapped for each other. To the best of my knowledge the only difference is the bun, but apparently the onion and poppy seed bun is a deal breaker. So instead of my Arby's Regular with Arby's Sauce, I got the gloppy Beef and Cheddar with orange and red goo, and she got the Regular. Bummer. I really like Arby's sauce. But my sandwich did NOT need anything else that dripped or glopped.

Then we went swimming at the overly chlorinated indoor pool.

It was fun. She's learning how to swim pretty well, although not so interested in being taught as just experimenting. Today was "swim with my legs in a ball beneath me" day, I guess.

Near the end we snagged one of the too-few Community Center balls in the pool (it was really crowded today, and the balls were in high demand!) and were pushing them under-and-at-eachother in a splashy game of catch, when all of a sudden Eminoodle turned into a little Kim. I can't really explain what that means, though, I hope you weren't expecting more information. I don't usually think of her as looking like me. Maybe being like me in the spacey-ness. But this was more like I could see my little self in her. Or something. It was kinda weird. But we had fun, it wasn't a bad thing. It was fun. Until my eyeballs burned out of my head and I went blind.

Of Muffins And Ice

Of Muffins ~

Despite my fears mentioned in my previous post, the muffins turned out fine, they didn't stick much at all. Phew! They turned out pretty good. Not great like I expected. they seemed less sweet after baking. Perhaps they were a bit too eggy for my tastes. But they were well received, and the children are full. That's good enough for me.

Peggy asked why on earth I didn't healthify them. Um ... uh ...

The lame reason is:

Sometimes I get tired of healthifying things. Sometimes I dream of the "Wow, these are great muffins!" rewards of making things chock full of butter, sugar, and fat. And I just cave in, going for the compliment instead of the health.

Which, in this case, didn't really work. I mean, they liked them, but no one raved. No compliments that I'm a great cook, or that these are great muffins. Oh well.

Truth be told, my best bet is to make very healthy muffins and add a half cup of mini chocolate chips to a 24-muffin panful. Which, in my mind, is probably a better compromise anyway. So I guess I'll do that, next time.

But if you want it, here's the recipe for not-so-healthy pretty good muffins:

Lemon-Yogurt Muffins ~

INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup butter or margarine, softened
1 1/2 cup white sugar
4 eggs
1 cup plain, non-fat yogurt
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon lemon extract
2 2/3 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt

DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F (200 degrees C). Grease 9x13 pan on the sides, and forget to put in the non-stick liner. Oops.

In a large bowl, cream together the butter and sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the eggs one at a time, then stir in the lemon yogurt, lemon juice, and lemon extract.

Combine the flour, baking soda, and salt; stir into the lemon mixture until just blended. Spoon batter into the pan.

Bake for 20-25 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the top springs back when lightly touched. If you're clever and set the psycho timer that does not work, make sure to keep an eye on the muffins and test them with a toothpick.

Allow the muffins to cool for about 5 minutes before removing them from the pan. Cut into 24 squares.

Of Ice

These are pictures from the other day. Yesterday, maybe. I lose track. But today started pretty much the same.

The poor rescued daffodils aren't getting a break:

The squill are drooping under the cold and lack of sun:

And the anemone blanda aren't too happy, either:

And now I'm back to the basement for another day ... or hour ... of work.

oh .... RATS!

So this morning I was making muffins for the family.

I make all my muffins in a 9x13 pan and then cut them into squares. I've told you that before, right?

So I made a new recipe for Lemon-Yogurt muffins. In a rare move, I decided not to "healthify" the recipe. Yes, you read that right. I used white flour, white sugar, butter, and eggs in it. No flax seed. No honey or Agave nectar or other natural sweetener. No whole wheat. No egg replacer. No applesauce replacing fat. I made it as written.

Well, not really as written, LOL, that wouldn't be like me. I omitted the spices and added poppy seeds and used some lemon extract instead of lemon zest, which it turns out I did not have.

Anyway, the batter was the best muffin batter I have ever tasted. I knew the children were going to love these muffins like no other. Of course, that's sort of a guarantee if I make "normal" muffins instead of healthy. Or better yet normal box mix. Those are the ones proclaimed "best muffins ever, Mom!" ... the healthy ones? Never so much enthusiasm.

So back to my point. I did have one.

I forgot to put the nonstick liner in the bottom of the pan. I sprayed the edges of the pan, where it usually sticks a little. But I totally forgot the nonstick liner in the bottom.

So ... my beautiful muffins. That I planned to be the perfect muffins ... will all be stuck to the bottom of the pan.

I'll report back when they're done.

Three Short (for me, anyway) Funny Things

three? I can only remember two, already.

1.) On a break from my decluttering I almost bought FOUR pairs of shoes. Iliacat can wear my shoes now, so it's sort of like getting twice as much use out of them. And this place sells them for "free" although free adds up fast ... 4 shoes that I don't really need for a total of $33.35 including shipping ... not a bad price, really, but ... um ... I don't really need them. Do I? Especially when I'm trying hard to declutter. They were cute, though.

2.) My Twirl-a-Squirrel. The squirrels rarely ever get to the point of *hanging* on it to be spun - usually they try to reach down from above and trigger it and jump away without actually spinning, themselves. Which is okay, it still is keeping them from gorging on the food. But today I saw one above the suet feeder. He triggered it but didn't want to jump away, so he tried hanging from his back feet and trying to grab the spinning suet. It kept thwocking him in the head. It was funny to watch.

3.) It's snowing here. I guess that's not really funny. Kinda sad, in an unexpected Michigan-like way. But it does make three.

Oh, you force my hand ... or "Would you like some psychobabble with that?"

Too many of you suggested the "cleanie friend" option for me to continue to ignore it.

Yes, yes, I was trying hard to ignore it.

Oddly enough, most (but not all!) of my IRL friends are Cleanies. Born Organized (or at least picked it up effectively somewhere along the line). Not Messies.

So it's not like I don't have that card to play. I mean *I* don't have a cleanie card, in fact I think I'm on the Cleanie "banned" list as a lifetime offender. But I do have Cleanie Friends that I could call in. As evidenced by Karen's kind offer.

But ... here's where the whole thing gets squirmy. Well, I get squirmy.

See, I know that Karen would be a wonderful help. When we were moving and I really needed my main areas looking showable, Karen was a wonder. She kept me moving, and she had the perfect balance of not wandering off with *each* object to find a home, but also not piling up a big heap of "find a home later" which would, in the end, defeat me. She cheerfully kept us working when I was sure, on the inside, that we needed a break. And, since then, many times I have entertained the notion of calling again on her expertise.

Except ...

the awful truth is ...

I don't know if I really want to.

Maybe it's because I know she'd be effective, and at some gut level I don't want to have that much closure?

Maybe it's because I know she's a hard worker, and it tires me out to think of working so hard?

Maybe it's because I'm embarrassed of the horrible junk and mess I'm dealing with, and would rather not share the depths of my messiness with anyone?

Possibly a combination of the three.

Truth be told, I'm not good at accepting help with housework and things. I'm not even good at having people nearby when I'm doing housework or cooking. I'm afraid people will be watching me in shock and dismay, thinking, "no wonder she never gets anything done, her method is all wrong ..." ... or something like that. Maybe, worse than that, they'd be thinking "Ew, I'll never eat here again." or something. I don't know.

When I was in college I lived one year in a dorm that had no included food plan, but instead had kitchenettes on each floor. You kept your food and dishes in your room and tromped down the hall to fix it, then back to your room to eat it. I hated the public-cooking aspect of it, and tried hard to cook "real" meals (all of twice, I think?) at odd hours when no one else was around, or live on ramen noodles and microwave popcorn the rest of the time. Once I was cooking something and some other resident wandered down and asked me questions about what I was cooking.

In retrospect it was probably some recipe-follower who was mesmerized by my off-the-cuff approach to cooking, flinging in this and that without measuring or timing anything. But it kind of freaked me out, having someone watch and question me. I'm actually a pretty good cook, I think, but I like to do it in secret. I don't know.

So aaaaanyway, I think that's part of it. Not that I don't WANT to learn the "right" and efficient ways to declutter and clean. I do. I would love to be able to clean things up speedily so they don't take all day. I'd like to be able to declutter without it being a gut wrenching, ineffective ordeal.

But ...
that would take someone coming in to my embarrassingly ineffective little world and seeing me in inaction.

I'm not sure my pride can take that.

Maybe that's all that it comes down to? I'm too proud (of what?) to accept the help I admit I need? Because I'll be embarrassed? And because I know I'll whine and complain - at least on the inside - at having to *press on* in the efforts. I won't be able to bail out if someone's keeping me on task. I won't be able to run away.

And if my cleanie friends really knew that, despite the positive outcomes, I spent every moment in my head whining and complaining and groaning and moaning and wishing I could run away, wouldn't they get irked and wonder how I came to be such a baby about it?

I'm such a doofus.

Purging the Junk

Our church as an annual yard sale to raise money for the youth mission trips. Or something like that. Truth be told, I don't usually pay a lot of attention to what the money goes to, although I know it's something "youthy" ... mostly I pay attention to the once a year chance to ditch stuff.

In my mind, each year, I will be packing our 15-passenger van FULL of the things that fill our basement, closets, shelves, and extra rooms, and take several trips to the church to pile up our stuff. I will return home to find my home sparse and decluttered, shiny clean, and easy to keep clean and organized.

Only in reality, each year, I pick a few larger items to part with, and then painfully spend hours staring at heaps and piles simply feeling lost. Not wanting to keep all the junk, but somehow not being able to efficiently divide into "keep" "toss" and "give away" ... instead, if I make any progress at all, it is to sort into a giant "don't know" and a giant "keep, I guess" and a tiny little "give away" and a small pile of "toss" ...

I emerge with my tiny piles feeling discouraged and overwhelmed.

It was the fall of '95, I believe, that I first heard of decluttering.

Yes, if you do the math you'll realize I was a grown woman at the time.

I had no idea that people decluttered at all, much less annually (or more often).

My close friend and mentor was telling me about her own personal annual yard sale. I was perplexed. If you didn't buy in order to resell, like our crazy neighbors growing up used to, then how did you get enough junk to have an ANNUAL yard sale? She was equally perplexed. Didn't I go through the house regularly and set aside things that were unused, unloved, or unnecessary, until there was a great pile to get rid of?

Turns out a lot of people DO do that! They don't duct tape their old shoes back together, they throw them out! They don't stockpile family games that no one liked, just in case some day someone decided to play them and DID enjoy them. They give them away! No way!

So that was over 10 years ago.

In those 10 years I have become comfortable with the concept of getting rid of junk. I even hold it up as an ideal -- freeing us from maintaining and storing useless junk will give me more space and time to enjoy the things we do like and need. In theory.

The problem is my ability to declutter is still sorely lacking. I have all the passion for the project. Just very little of the ability. I am so easily overwhelmed and defeated by the *closure* necessary to really choose what goes. Or even where to *start*. In fact, the thing I have grown best at is stockpiling empty boxes with the hopes of filling them with decluttered clutter. My basement is currently full of empty boxes. And ones filled with packing peanuts. Because you never know when you might need them.

Which brings me, many many paragraphs later, to my point.

I'm fast running out of time. The church yard sale is at the end of April. My chance to get rid of my junk without having to fold shirts neatly or guess at prices of things. (Please don't suggest I hold my own. No way! If ALL the work falls to me - not only the painful gut wrenching closure of decluttering but also the organizing, folding, and worst of all pricing, it will never ever get done. I'd rather live in the basement than have to do all that myself. So don't say it. Don't. even. think. it.)

I only have a few weekends left, and several of those are busy. We have a guest coming, and a long weekend away. If I am not careful the chance to declutter will slip away.

I am considering giving the older children independent school work for the rest of this week, and using my "best morning energy" (well, that which I didn't squander blogging, anyway) to work on decluttering. Fortunately my big kids really do work well independently. Unfortunately, I am not sure *I* do. I am a little worried that I will spend my mornings staring blankly at the heaps and heaps of stuff, with little actually making it into boxes and bags that go away.

But even a little would be better than none.

Right?

Who's that plant running around with you?

I went out to take a picture of The Big Clump of Daffodils on the first full day after emerging their harrowing ordeal. While there isn't any sun to warm them (insert weary sigh) at least they have the freedom to perk up.

Here's one of my anemone blanda blossoms, also protesting the lack of sun today:

I like those, I should plant some more.

A lot of the plants in my yard are inherited from the home's former owner, and I believe she was into planting native wildflowers. Many of which have been buried by the other things which have grown up around a few scattering of plantings. This is all speculation, of course. Here's another something which I think my mom identifies for me every year. Then I forget. I was thinking it was mayapple, but I see from the web I was clearly wrong. I think I might have mayapple growing in the same area, but that is not what this is. So, mom? (or anyone else?) Who is this?

Click on either picture to see them bigger! on Fickr if that helps identify them.

Whoever it is, I like the pink-tinged leaflets and the way they unfurl.

Poor Daffodils

Last summer, you might recall, we had a nice young man do some yard work.

My 'flower garden' out front has been overgrown since before we moved in, and getting worse each year. Finally, in a desperate attempt to gain some control, we asked this young man who was looking for outdoor work to whack out the tiny trees, cover everything but the Big Plants with weed barrier, and bury it all in mulch. He did a great job, and it looked much better afterwards.* Maintainable, even.

I was surprised to see some crocus-like plants and tulips and a daffodil or two poking through the weed barrier and mulch. I didn't know if they were just opportunistic and had found small holes to grow through.

But my big clump of daffodils from years past did not poke through.

We did the burying of things in late summer when there was no longer any clear sign of where the daffodils had been. I think. Rather than just poke around or guess, we just had him cover over anything that wasn't well established on those days he was working.

Today I was feeling sad that we'd inadvertently covered the big clump of daffodils (which, I suppose, need to be divided? Is that right, anyone?)

I had, however, seen a huge heap of mulch near the edge of the driveway. I figured it was from when we shoveled too near the edge in the winter, and I must've shoved all the mulch into a heap.

Anyway, today I decided I'd look for the daffodils and try to cut them a little hole, if I could find them, even though my poked-through ones were already budding. Maybe it wasn't too late to save The Big Clump.

And when I looked closely at the mulch heap, I realized it wasn't a mulch heap. It was a giant lump under the weed barrier. I could see a little yellowish green through thin spots.

It was The Big Clump itself, desperately trying to break through.

I set it free.

Two children watched in wonder as we freed The Big Clump which had pushed its way up into a giant lump under the barrier and mulch.

I hope I freed we in time for it to bloom.

I thought the varied yellow and green and trapped curls of the leaves were nifty looking. Don't you?

* Did I never blog the before and after of his hard work? I couldn't find an entry of it. I took pictures and intended to! He really did nice work! And he was a very nice young man, honest and hard working, too!