That was ... refreshing?

So ...

I thought I went to the conference to be refreshed and encouraged. I thought I was being refreshed and encouraged while I was there. I heard some great speakers say some things that really rang true for me, felt insightful. You know, those "Ah ha, that's really the perspective I needed to hear." sort of moments.

The theme of the main speaker was that we need to "Draw near, hold fast" to Christ.

And I know the root of my struggles, the root of my discouragement and frustration, are all there in that issue. That I need to not rely on my strength, not look to other things to fix everything, but to draw near and hold fast to Christ.

Except.

I don't feel like I am even able to get that right, right now.

I've made some pitiful attempts. I am so distractible, my mind just chatters and drifts and won't stay focused. I'm not saying I should offer God pathetic attempts, but I sometimes feel that's the best I've got to offer now, to at least try to cry out, try to draw near. Only I feel like I can't even get that right.

And if that's the root of it all ... and I can't get it right ... then what?

I know, I know, it's not about ME, it's about Him.

But ...
what happens to the one who tries ... or tries to try ... or is trying hard to try to try ... and cries out to God "help me draw near to you, God" and still seems to fall flat on her face?

Did I not cry out sincerely enough?
Long enough?
Is there some hidden sin that I'm overlooking?
Is my repentance only self-pity?

And if so, how do I become more sincere? How do I become repentant rather than just sorry?

Doesn't that require ... drawing nearer to God?

It all comes back to what I can't seem to be able to do.

And if I can't draw near to Him, why doesn't He pick me up?

I don't know why I have this huge disconnect.

What do I do now?

Just keep trying? Try harder?

Is it because I think, at these conferences, "I really shouldn't spend all my time wasting it on the internet" and then don't change? Is my inability to change what's keeping me from being able to reach God? Is it holding me back from trying? Or does that change have to come FROM drawing near?

If it comes down to having to get it right first, and/or how hard I try to reach God, then it seems like it's more about me and my potential failure than about Him. And I know that isn't Truth.

But ... how do I reconcile living *here* in this place where I can't seem to draw near and hold fast? Where I really think I want to, where I am trying ... or trying to try ... and still not seeming to draw near?

And Now The Rest of the Story ...

Well, the rollercoaster hasn't quite come to a complete and final stop, but we know know which direction it is headed.

We found out yesterday that the baby is no longer alive. It was a difficult day, and I did not tell the children (or the blog) until today. I will admit that more than anything else, I was surprised that the process was so much like 'real' labor. (yes, I know, it IS real labor) but especially in contrast to the easy birth six years ago, this one was difficult, physically as well as emotionally.

The Grand Lunar came home from work and picked his sister up from the airport, with all the children, so that I could stay home and rest, and stayed home to be with me after that, which was really nice, just to have him here.

By evening I was feeling better and able to make it to Iliacat's end of the year concert for the Youth Honors Ensemble. She was beautiful and sang well and I was so proud of her.

We celebrated Tobi-wan's birthday with the first of the presents and the songs, but he'll get cake and more presents on Sunday with my parents.

Anyway ... now we move on with grieving for what is lost, and hoping for the future, and knowing that in all things, God is good.

My biggest prayer is that He would, indeed, be glorified through this. That through our lives, our loss, that He would bring glory to Himself.

Praise the Lord, His goodness endures forever.

On Not Knowing ...

It's been a hard day. A lot of crying, mostly when I was alone. Extra salty shower and all that.

The simple update is there's not much new information. I still have some light bleeding. It might even be lighter than yesterday. I'm not sure.

I've spent a lot of the day scheming in my head. How could I get an ultrasound without strings attached?

Why is the medical world set up so that you can't just get the tests you want, when you want them, and the analysis, but not the ongoing relationship unless you desire it? From my past experience, I know that doctors' office staff are pretty abrupt with people who come in at the wrong time, or with different thoughts than the average patient. You can't just waltz in and say you're planning something different but would like to purchase just one service. Maybe it's all the fears of malpractice, but many of the practices I called in the past wouldn't really even talk to me if I wasn't going to pretend to become a regular patient.

Anyway, I realize that I'm looking more to *medical knowledge* than to God for my peace, my assurance. I wrestle with feeling like I could handle either answer, as long as I had AN answer ... and I start scheming again, how can I get an answer.

But I come back to these facts:

1.) God could've given me an answer by now. We could've heard clear heart tones yesterday. Or I could have increased bleeding and passed the baby. My uterus could've been mushy and soft and all wrong for the dates. If He had the ability to give us an answer, but did not, why do I think I should seek an answer elsewhere?

2.) I asked my husband's guidance, and he gave it to me. I believe that is a God-ordained method of guidance. I didn't feel able to make a decision, and the Grand Lunar stepped in with his.

But not knowing, itself, continues to be hard. Not knowing whether I should start grieving, or rejoicing. I can rejoice that God is in control, that God is good, that God has a plan and will glorify Himself regardless of the outcome, indeed through the outcome, whichever directions things go. And truly, that is my prayer. Lord, you ARE good. All this is in Your hands, for Your glory.

But I can't currently rejoice or mourn the circumstances. I am stuck in limbo, waffling back and forth, somehow trying to do both at once.

Which makes for some tearful trips to the bathroom (one of the few places I'm alone during the day) ...

I guess if nothing else I can rejoice that I'm usually alone in the bathroom! I know not all mothers have that luxury.

Anyway, I'd love to chatter on about other things, but this waiting unknowing is weighing heavily on my mind.

I wonder sometimes when one knows to go and seek medical assistance ~ I do believe He uses it, I believe He often works through it. But I keep coming back to this situation and not really feeling he's telling me to go in. Sometimes I get upset, because I know most everyone else I know would go in. Why do I have to be the 'special' one with the crazy ideas? Why couldn't I just assume I should do it the way everyone else in America does it?

But ... I have truly loved our homebirths. And I have felt the snowballing of medical 'help' when one doesn't meet the doctor's schedule. I'd like to borrow the excuse that the situation is telling us to seek medical knowledge, but I don't really think this situation is. If it is, I pray that God really lays it on my heart, not a longing to have facts but an urgency that medical knowledge would be His way this time. And that more than that, He would lay it on the Grand Lunar's heart, and even my midwife's heart, whispering "Now is the time. This is the situation."

But unless He does that, I will just have to keep turning back to Him, trying to find peace and rest in the knowledge that He is good, He is in control, and that He has NOT called us that route.

If you would, please pray with me that He'll help me keep turning back to Him, even when it's hard.

From the Pit ...

Okay, if you didn't read my post from yesterday, go do that first, 'cause this follows it.

Okay, are you back? Good thing I didn't go on without you, huh?

I went looking for Beth Moore Bible studies the other week. I didn't find out until later that the studies are only sold through certain sites, but I found some of her books. There's one called "Get Out of that Pit" which sounded right up my alley.

So I ordered it but hadn't started reading it.

Until yesterday after I posted.

She starts by talking about what it's like to be in a pit. Made me bawl. Not a pretty sight. But I think that's what I was trying to describe, I've been in a pit. I'm in a pit.

With a name like muckfootmom, I guess that shouldn't surprise me!

And the best news? I don't have to stay in it and just try to make the best of it. I don't have to just tread water.

Or so she claims.

Half of me is wildly hopeful. Because this book really smacked with that "this is what you have been looking for" feeling. And it's not some magic method from man, from what I've read her books are soundly grounded in the Word. Her enthusiastic writing really points to the Lord, not something Beth Moore invented. So that's good. Exciting. Because I know at the root, that's where the answers are.

But half of me is reserved and afraid to get my hopes up. I think I've been in this pit a long time. I'm afraid I won't 'do it right' - whatever it is - to get out.

I'm not a long way into it, just a few chapters. Not to the "getting out" part.

So you'll have to stay tuned.

In the meantime, I'm pondering whether I need to figure out why/how I came to be in this pit. Some people have clear 'falling in' or 'jumping in' or 'pushed in' incidences. Oh, sure, I have some slips and some jumps and even maybe some pushes. But does which of those is most key matter? Should I try to pore over my past, my choices, my thinking? Or can I just climb out without too much dredging up and introspection?

Well, ramble ramble ... stay tuned. :-)

Oh, and I mean that in an 'over the next few days/weeks' sense, that is. You know me, if I stay awake to read one chapter that'll be a miracle. Don't stay tuned glued to your computers TODAY. I don't think that fast.

LOL.